Thursday, October 1, 2009

I Am What I Am

Immediately after I wrote my last post I had some awakenings of what my real problem was and then it was reinforced by some exchanges with a friend. I haven't been able to express to many other people what was going on with me or how I was feeling. Mainly because there has always been shame around my addiction/depression/anxiety and also because I hate to appear 'not together'.

So the truth is that I am an addict ie; addictive personality that became addicted to prescription pain meds and then began to abuse them until my life spun completely out of control. That was my personal definition. That happened several years ago and since then I have been clean and sober far more than not but it still remains a struggle for me. When my physical health got worse over the last few years it became harder. I don't like pain in any form - most addicts don't, hell, most people don't. What can I say? I think I took in way too much pain as a child that something got short circuited and now I don't do it well nor do I do stress well. If I am going to meetings regularly and have a good recovery going then I can manage through the rough spots pretty well. Lucky me that I am also the flip side of addiction which is the co-dependent and I would guess that most alcoholic/addicts also suffer a bit from that as well. In the program we are what's known as "double winners". Yay me. So, I know my recovery is in trouble if I am abusing pain meds (obviously) and staying away from meetings or if I become too emotionally involved in my loved ones lives. Meaning for me it is when someone I love is struggling with a life issue I take it on personally - I feel the overwhelming need to make it better - that I am somehow responsible for their well being. Big red flag for me. It can tear me up emotionally and I lose perspective.

It has been a culmination of all these things that has brought me to this point of realizing (once again) that I am human, I have this frailty and I need some help along the way. I forgot that I need to keep those reinforcements near by, I forgot how important being in active recovery is for me and slowly I got to a point where I was in the red zone. Thankfully new treatments that I have been receiving for a few months has made a world of difference in my health. I am no longer in the kind of pain that I was in earlier. I have talked with my Dr and I have been off prescription pain meds completely for about a month. I have been taking care of my physical self this summer so all that is good. What was left was my emotional health and I mistakenly thought I needed to give more to feel better. I was wrong. I need to gather round the wagons now until I am stronger emotionally. I have a history of pretending that everything is A-ok with me and that I can handle it. With the help of a few friends and knowing what some dear friends are going through - their courage has given me the courage to say 'I need a little help right now'. So I have been back to meetings for the last couple of weeks - 1 1/2 hours a day in a meeting. I have some good days and I have my crap days. This week especially has been hard because of a rift/miscommunication/hurt feelings involving a very close family member. I find myself crying way too much but not sure what else to do. I have a terrible time thinking that someone disapproves of me but right now I am doing what I know I need to do so that I can get better quickly and participate fully in life again. I know I will - I have no doubt about that. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am what I am - no better, no worse. I am a human being that has some limitations and needs a little extra help sometimes along the way.

My example to write in my blog (no names) has been a great inspiration to me to remove the mask of 'perfection' and lay it out. This is for my own mental health. I am a survivor and anyone who knows me well knows that but first I must admit that I am powerless over people, places and things. I can't do this alone.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Thinking Myself To Death

Gosh, it's hard to believe that it's been almost a month since I've blogged. I am not leading a very interesting life so not much to blog about. Hmmmm, food for thought, or, that does lead into what I wanted to write about. After my closet/soul clean out last month I read a comment from my dear friend, Christina, that spoke to me. She said something to the effect that I blame myself and don't take enough credit. Well, I took that nugget of observation and realized that she is absolutely right. It is BORING to continually beat oneself up over past history as well as completely unproductive. I like to pride myself for being a positive and productive person and so I have realized I have not been congruent with the person I thought I was.

My days run together with too much time thinking, thinking, thinking and not enough doing. Although I must say that I have effected change in my life this last 3 months with a new attitude toward food and exercise incorporating both into my life. Happily I can say that I have so far achieved a 20 lb weight loss as of this morning. Yay for me, but not enough for me to be fulfilled. Meaning, weight-loss and a healthy lifestyle are not enough. I have to do more with my life. I fight this depression day in and day out and I realize it is because I am spending waaaay too much time with myself. Earlier this year I applied to the American Cancer Society to become a driver, unfortunately, they do not need any more drivers so I kind of let it drop and focused on my health this summer. I had the usual tests, poking and prodding and oh yeah, the tooth work. So now that I am reasonably on top of my health I need to get on top of my mental and emotional well being. But, there has been something stopping me from really taking that step. I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that I will be happier if I either work, volunteer or take a few classes but I just haven't been able to break through this barrier of laziness/fear to actually DO something.

I have found myself spending too much time thinking (there's that word again) about what I want to do and then I end up paralyzed by indecision. How hard is it really to just pick one thing to do for a few hours a week outside of my miserable brain?? Holy crap. I know that I have a lot to offer - I have done it before. I have worked with women caught up in domestic violence; I have spoken at numerous AA meetings in the past with wonderful reception; I have spent hours in classrooms; volunteered for Jr Achievement; sold homes in a downturn; been on the Honor's roll at the college every semester I attended - so why can't I just DO it already? I'm scared - scared of not making good decisions, scared of failing, scared of succeeding, but, I think I have finally gotten scared enough of what will happen to me if I don't DO something.

To the few loving followers that I have I am asking for encouragement here. I am asking for accountability. I absolutely can not DO this alone - I need your push.

Btw, I am no longer going to regret my past mistakes OR feel sorry for myself for my past. It is so over. I am a pretty darn good person and it is high time to recognize that for myself and get my ass out there to help others and stay out of my head.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Trip Down Memory Lane... treasures in the trash

I took on a project a few weeks ago - a daunting task really. Since my divorce in 1999 I've moved countless times but continued lugging with me a couple of file caddy's full of paperwork and adding to them with new court proceedings, debt collections, etc. It's the kind of stuff you wish you could just forget but can't just throw away. Well, this collection of crap er...paperwork was taking up a LOT of space in my spare room closet (4 boxes worth), not to mention that the past 4 yrs it has been added to with crap from my present husband/life. So I decided that it was time to go through it once and for all and either throw away, shred or file. What that meant was that I had to touch thousands of pieces of paper not just once but twice. Ugh. Daunting, right?

I can say it took a lot longer than expected but then again I wasn't on any time frame. This task became a journey into my past of circumstances and situations that I would rather forget. For the most part there was a LOT of financial stuff (credit card statements, bank statements, etc) that just needed to be shredded. There were also court proceedings from my very trying divorce. Paperwork that reminded me of what lengths my ex went through to keep me from getting anything that I had coming to me. This brought up all kinds of unpleasant feelings and memories. It was painful to go through this stuff. Boy did it feel good to shred it all! It was like cutting a ball and chain off of me. There was a 2-3 yr time period during my divorce that I was just at the bottom and wondered if I'd ever be happy again. I went through financial ruin, emotional turmoil and I made some really bad mistakes - mistakes that I don't think I can ever completely forgive myself for but that I have learned to live with. I make amends today still by being the best person I can be one day at a time.

In this mountain of bad memories there was a small percentage of priceless jewels - I had saved all my children's special awards from school as well as all the awards that I received from their schools for being Room Mom, special helper, etc. It reminded me that I was a very involved parent and helped smooth over the pain of my errors. The best prize that I came across was buried in a set of medical records for my youngest child. You see I was her foster mother when she was just 6 weeks old and she never left us after that. We formally adopted her when she was 2 1/2 - before that I wasn't allowed to change her name so when the time came she already knew her name so we changed her middle name and her last name of course. I also did not have anything from when she was a newborn. She was placed in protective custody within 24 hours after her birth as her mother was a known drug user and and the baby tested positive for cocaine. I picked up these medical records of her short 5 day stay in the hospital when she was born and read through each page (what I could decipher). She was 5 lbs 2 oz, 18 inches long. She was actually pretty healthy for a drug exposed infant with her apgar scores 7 and 9. I teared up reading what the mother said (lies) and how sad it was to have to leave this baby motherless. It made my heart ache. Within the pages was something I had somehow missed before - her newborn footprints. I can't tell you how happy this made me - to have something from those early hours of her life are precious beyond belief to me.

This made the whole process worth it. And now my house is all cleaned out of old, useless, paperwork and memories leaving only the treasures that I choose to keep in my home and my heart.

All the shredded crap going to the recycle pile to be made into something useful.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Odds and Ends

It is another grey morning here in the Bay Area in a string of grey, cool days. I am beginning to wonder if we will have a summer at all! I am one of those crazy folks who actually likes hot weather - well, below 95 degrees I should say, so these temps that don't exceed the low 70's doesn't do much for me. Here it is August and we've only had our A/C on a couple of times this year. While that is great for our utility bill it's not so great for this sun lover. Usually when we take our Lake Tahoe vacation we escape the heat, not so this year, it was definitely hotter there than it has been here. I am longing for the beautiful Southern California weather and the beautiful beaches. One piece of good news is that the weather this summer is unusually cool for the Bay Area which is nice to hear that this is just a fluke and not how it's always going to be.

On the dental front - I had broken a front tooth cap while on vacation which has been annoying, embarrassing, inconvenient and emotionally painful (although not physically so). I've been dealing with this for 3 weeks now and was beginning to think I was never going to be able to get it fixed. Let's just say it involves a lot of dental work and $$$. I'm happy to report that as soon as I get an all clear from my Rheumatologist I can schedule and have the work done. Yippee!

Weight Watchers - I am thrilled to report that in three weeks I have lost 10 lbs! I have 20 more to go but I definitely feel motivated and hopeful that I will continue on the weight loss path. The timing of my weight loss and the dental work will actually work out great since Dave is planning for a really nice tropical vacation in February 2010. I should have a rockin smile and body by the time we go. Woo hoo! I'll be more careful on this next vacation with what I choose to eat - no biting and tearing on a hard crusted sandwich!

Marital bliss(?) - Well, I can say that I talked to the hubster on our trip up to Reno and spilled out all my feelings about our estrangement and how I feel like a piece of the furniture. It felt good to express my feelings to him. He listened to me and acknowledged my feelings but didn't want to respond at that time (the first day driving up). He never responded. Although he did say that he understands why I feel the way I do and he does love and appreciate me. Just being able to express myself helped a lot but I am still going to have another talk with him this weekend. He is still working like crazy. I know he does this to make more $ for our future and that his self worth is tied to his career but we can't lose our day to day enjoyment of life. In the meantime I am doing the things I know I need to do for myself.

Volunteerism - After applying with the American Cancer Society I was told that they have plenty of drivers and don't have a need for more at this time and then asked if I wanted to help with their annual fundraiser here in the Bay Area. At this point I am concentrating on getting the dental work done so that I am presentable again but I still plan on finding something that is suited for me. I NEED to find something to do outside the house. I am BORED and get depressed when I spend too much time alone.

Friendships -I am so happy that I have met some really great women since joining some and starting a Meetup group. I've been getting out and socializing which has been fantastic. I longed for girlfriend time and now I have it.. I am blessed that I make friends easily and the gals that I've been drawn to are similar to me. I adore them. Thanks!!! I highly recommend this site for joining groups of interest to you and meeting new friends. There are many, many different groups for every imaginable interest. This was how I met some great friends when I was in So Cal.

This about does it as far as catching up my thoughts on my little ole life.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Family Vacation

On Saturday morning we got an early start to take the hour drive over to Lake Tahoe. I had called a head of time and found out that we could check in after 10 am - yay, lucky us. Usually check-in isn't until 3pm. When we got there to check in there was a discussion on whether we wanted futons or twin mattresses delivered to our place for the extra little sleepers. All the sudden someone took over my husband's body - this personality was NOT welcome. He was a real jerk and very difficult. He ended up leaving me standing in the lobby of the resort because HE wrote down the wrong license plate number....great, just great. I was ready to call the whole thing off (actually it was more like I was ready to send him packing). We quickly resolved the issue for the time being and I happily started settling in and eagerly awaited Stephanie et al to arrive. In the mean time we got some sandwiches (I had been on WW for one week so still wanted to stay on track). As I took my second bite of sandwich I hear this 'crack' and quickly discovered a front tooth was missing - shit, where the hell is it??!! Whew, found it. But now what? What the hell am I going to do for the rest of our vacation? Within 10 mins the kids showed up and the games begun. I never was able to take care of the tooth while we were there but I figured if I was going to have any kind of a good time I would have to check the ego at the door and say fuck it.
It went clear sailing pretty much the rest of the week with the exception of the 'hag woman from hell' at the trout farm (you will find the story here).
I was lucky enough to have all three of my kids come with their spouse/fiance/girlfriend and my grandkids. It did me a world of good to spend time with all of them. Especially my youngest, Christina, since she lives so far away and just got engaged. I was looking forward to spending some quality time with her and to get to know Joe (fiance) better. In my son's case it was his birthday while we were there so we gave he and his girlfriend a hotel room for two nights. I didn't particularly want to witness his drunkenness. When it comes to Michael one never knows what you're going to get. He is a Cancer and very true to form. He can be extremely crabby but usually it's because he is super sensitive. So, I was a little cautious until I could get a read on his mood. It turned out that he was great. I don't know if it was because his girlfriend was there or what but he was the good/funny Michael that we all love. With the exception of the 'episode' referred to earlier of 'hag'. We all went out on the boat - so much fun. I even went out on the tube with Stephanie and Leah. It was especially fun to watch the guys out on the tube. Jimmy did a great job giving them a wild ride and the spectators quite a show.

One day we went to a beautiful beach for a few hours (too short) and it was just perfect. Unfortunately Stephanie thought the kiddos were sunburned even after dousing them in 50 spf - it was super hot that week. Luckily they were not burned. I loved watching Mike and Christina with their partners. Susy, Mike's g/f, was really sweet and seems really good for Mike. I've never seen him be this way with a girl before. It was evident that he cares very much for her and visa versa. I was so happy to see this. He has had issues with women so I hope that this will last for him. And then there was my baby girl and her fiance, Joe. I think my heart could have just burst watching them over the week. Joe is just so good and doting to her. And she is definitely in love with him. She can and does depend on him and he doesn't let her down. Stephanie and I were discussing them and she hit the nail on the head in describing them - he is the male counterpart of her. I wasn't sure that she would ever meet someone so right for her but she has. Dave and I believe that they are soulmates (and I never used to believe in that).
Even though she lives far from her beloved family and they're poor and don't have much in material things those two are on top of the world having each other. They make my heart melt.

While we were at the beach Joe was in the water the whole time we were there. One of the great things about him is that he's so good with the kiddos. My grandkids LOVE him. He's like the pied piper when it comes to the kids. So he was out in the water going back and forth from the shallow area to the deeper area in between taking time out to make a guppie trap for the kids - sure enough that sucker caught guppies! When we were getting ready to take off he grabs Christina's hand and takes her out to the deeper area (4 ft clear water) and shows her this heart of rocks that he made for her.....awwwwwww. He won over all of our hearts last week. He is already part of the family.
I am happy beyond belief when it comes to my kids and their choices in partners. Stephanie's husband, Jimmy, is a wonderful husband and father and I really could not have handpicked him any better. They are both good parents and devoted to each other. Michael seems to have found an awesome woman and hopefully their love will grow and flourish and Christina and Joe are definitely off to a great start of a long and happy marriage. Now, we can get started on planning a wedding.
As far as Dave and I are concerned I was so proud of him for doing things that he might not choose to do if it wasn't for me and my preferences. The best part is that going out and hanging out on the beach turned out to be fun for him. It gave him another chance to bond with and get to know my kids. They are all so very important to me and my biggest wish in life is for all of them to accept each other as family and care for one another as I do.
Now for more picture memories of our vacation.

Dave, Leah and Stephanie

Michael and Susy

Dave and Jimmy - living the life.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Vacation - will it help?

Tomorrow we are leaving for a much anticipated vacation up in beautiful Lake Tahoe. Dave and I are going up one day early and are going to spend the night in Reno then the next day we are checking into our rental house. Stephanie and her family will arrive there Sat. Then my son and his girlfriend and Christina and her fiance, Joe, will be there on Monday. I'm very happy to have all of my kids together for a vacation. When they were young I used to take them up to Tahoe every year and we always had a great time. Usually I do not want to go home.

One of the things I am hoping is for Dave to be able to relax and for us to reconnect and find romance again. The physical part of our relationship has been practically non existent for several months and it is really getting me down. He has been depressed and shut off from most joyful things, instead working so hard to secure a promotion and make more money for our future. Because he has been depressed (and I know how that is) I haven't pressured him about discussing anything too deep or about our physical distance but I am just about drained from this. I feel like I lost him somewhere. I don't want to be roommates, I want to have intimacy on every level with my husband. Isn't that what marriage is. I know and understand that he has reasons for his depression. He has some deep stuff that he hasn't dealt with and has told me a few times that he's going to seek help. He has not. He doesn't have any friends around here, doesn't socialize really, doesn't exercise or do anything just for himself. I feel for him I really do and it breaks my heart. It also hurts me to be alone so much and to never have compliments or passes.

I sure hope this vacation allows for him to just have some fun and for us to remember those early days of romance. I miss it.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

My friend, Kristin, and someone else (escapes my memory right now) tagged me to do this grueling little diddy. I have to come up with 10 truths most people don't know about me. I've been putting it off because I think I'm pretty open and that I don't withhold information but the truth is of course I do and I do for a reason - so others won't see me in a negative light. In the meantime my daughter, Stephanie, has done one and did an excellent job of being honest and transparent. I'm sure I'm not as interesting as she is but here goes -

1. Sometimes when a stranger does something really stupid I fantasize about slapping them upside the head or tripping them. This includes old and young strangers - no matter - I have a no prejudice policy for fantasy kickass. Then I smile to myself feeling better as I am on my way.

2. When I was a little kid I used to fantasize that my parents were killed in either a plane or car crash and then I would cry real tears. It was one of the only ways I could actually 'feel' so that I could cry. There was a lot of abuse going on in my home so I was on auto-pilot a lot of time just to survive.

3. I wanted children as early as 11 or 12 and couldn't wait to get married to have a baby. My biggest regret in life is that I thought that my desire to be a good Mother was in of itself enough but turned out that I was sadly unequipped and lacking in the great Mother gene. There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret mistakes I made as a Mother that hurt my children in any way.

4. Sometimes I wish I could just take off somewhere by myself without having to explain myself. Just to be completely on my own and do exactly as I please for a month. I would shave my head and live in a monastery somewhere.

5. I have a hard time realizing my age and especially my weight.

6. I looked my best in my late 30's early 40's. I was rockin.

7. I regret not spending more time with my grandmother when she had cancer. We had always been SO close but by then I was a 16/17 yr old self absorbed, immortal teenager who didn't realize what was happening. I miss her still to this day.

8. When I was pregnant with my first child I would secretly pray/wish/beg for the baby to be a girl even tho that had already been determined. And I wanted a girl for my 2nd and 3rd as well. I would have been perfectly happy with 3 or 4 little girls.

9. When I was little because I felt so 'different' I didn't think my relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) liked me so I stayed distant from them and never formed close relationships with them. I envy people who have strong family ties.

10. I regret dropping out of High School and going to college when I was young and didn't have kids yet. I think my life would have turned out way differently. I don't know if it would be better or worse but certainly different and I'm sure I would have done well.

Ok, phew, I did it. I'm not tagging anyone but I would love it if you are reading this and have not done it to try it - it's freeing.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Families, Politics and Religion

I recently went on a day trip to Alcatraz with my daughter, son-in-law and grandkids; Jared and Leah. It was fun and there was the usual banter/teasing and laughing that is common in our family. It was a great day. Coming home I was driving and something came up that turned on the valve of 'politics' - well, knowing that my son-in-law and I are far apart on our beliefs I wasn't in a good place (driving the Bay Bridge at 4pm) to state my opinions, etc., so I said 'let's just drop it.' Not wanting to 'get into it' with him about my love for Obama and the liberal side of life. No problem, done deal. I did however realize that my grandson was most definitely wanting to get things going and it really gave me pause later. How do I want my grandchildren to view me as well as my ideals, thoughts and morals? How important really is it that I feel strongly about certain political ideals? The ironic thing of this is that I raised my daughter to be just exactly as her husband is. I was pretty much on the same page with him with my religious and political ideas. Although I think I may have been a tad bit more tolerant on certain things but never the less I was once a conservative, born-again Christian right wing. Now, I am opposite. I do understand where he comes from and why he feels he way he does. Even though I don't agree with him does not mean that I don't respect him or stand by his right to have his own opinions. It is certainly not worth my grandchildren seeing any kind of riff between their Dad and Gma. The truth is I think he is a fantastic Husband and Father. I couldn't be happier that my daughter married this wonderful guy. She is happy - the kids are happy, what more could a Mother possibly want for her child? That's it - I want my children to be happy PERIOD.

I would like to think that he and I really have the basics in common - loving, compassionate, honest and kindhearted. When I have needed help, he has been there and I have no doubt that he will always be if possible. And in turn I will help them out in ways that I can.

As for the grandchildren I know that it is none of my concern what their parents are teaching them and it would be wrong of me to contradict what they are taught in their home. I just hope that I can be a living example of my beliefs and ideals. Maybe the best lesson for them is to see that we can all have different ideas about how things should go but we can also all live together peacefully in our differences. Wouldn't that be an ideal world?

Friday, June 26, 2009

My Hero

Follow up to my previous blog about life insurance. Hubby and I had a little chat tonight over a wonderful dinner out. Turns out he has 3 policies that will be enough for what I wanted. Ooops, sorry for doubting you honey. I am ditzy sometimes I know.
I love my husband. :)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

In The Event of Death

Sounds like a depressing subject, right? Yeah, I guess it could be, but the fact is everyone does die. I have been really thinking about the fact that I am not protected adequately if something happens to Dave. He is the breadwinner and makes a great living for us but with his income suddenly gone I'd be left with some SSI and a few other investments it would not come anywhere close to what we have now. I would be able to live independently but not in our home. More like a small apartment somewhere less expensive. I've been thinking that if I had the tragedy of losing my soulmate how could I cope with having to sell and leave my home right away too? It's just too much for me to think about. If I had the ability to wait one year before making major decisions I should be OK. So I contacted our Insurance Agent (we have every insurance except life) to find me a policy that will work to pay the house payment for one year. It's going to be expensive I'm sure because my hubby has this awful smoking habit *steaming*. But darn it - if he can spend all that money on cigarettes he should be able to make sure I'm not forced out of my home.

I was wondering if anyone has known anyone with this experience - where one spouse is completely dependent on the other spouse financially and there was a death. How do you deal with your future possibilities? Does this seem greedy to you? I don't know but I feel it is a way of taking care of myself so that my family won't be burdened. See, if I die first it won't impact Dave financially one bit. In fact I'm sure he'll come out ahead - LOL.

He has just been working like a dog this past year and I worry about his health but there isn't anything I can do to get him to change. But I can be prepared.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Hello, it's me...

You know that song? Well, I thought it was a good lead in for someone that hasn't blogged in months. My daughter, Stephanie, has a kickass blog now and she has inspired me to start blogging again.

This is a feeble beginning to be sure but I am hoping it will get better. Today, Stephanie had a post titled 'A Letter To My Dad..' to her Dad that passed away 2 years and 6 months ago (gosh, has it really been that long)? Anyway it was coincidental that today I finally applied with the American Cancer Society as a volunteer - this was before I read her post. You see I have a Mother who suffers from the 'Me,Me,Me' syndrome and I am realizing that I can be like that too. I don't want to be like that. I long for connections and relationships with others. When Skip, Steph's Dad, was sick and the times that Stephanie really had to be at work I would step in and take him to radiation, Dr appts, errands, etc. The one thing that struck me so clearly was that this man was suffering and in the worst place in his life but still did not complain! He was so gracious and it was great for me to spend those last months around him. We talked and laughed a lot. I am so very happy that I was able to help him even in the little things. I couldn't be anything but grateful for my own life. Problems? What problems? Couldn't compare.

At the time I remember thinking that when Skip got better I wanted to volunteer to drive cancer patients to their appointments. Skip didn't get better and I was too raw from that to volunteer. Now is the time. I am ready. I will continue on with what we started. It's the least I can do. I have some strong opinions about cancer and doctors and how it's treated but I have a heart full of sympathy for people suffering from cancer and I hope to learn from and connect with some people that need a little helping hand and a little company. It really is the best way to get out of your own crap. When you think your life is shit there is always someone who has things worse than you. I encourage anyone with an extra hour or two per month to get out of yourself and find a volunteer position with something you are passionate about. We CAN make a difference. I love you Skip and I miss you.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Houses, Painting and Shopping - OH MY

Lately, I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it's not a dream. We closed on our new house Dec 24th (Merry Christmas to us) and since then we took a vacation to beautiful Lake Tahoe, had the inside of the house painted, ordered all the blinds, bought new furniture, washer/dryer & TV. Whew! After working so hard last year Dave was rewarded with a nice bonus which is what made all this shopping possible. He has been so good to me in understanding how easily stressed I get with this moving business so he's made it as easy as possible for me. We are having the house packed up a week from today then moving the following day. Then I'm having a cleaning service come in to do the apartment. I am truly blessed. At times I feel a little uncomfortable with all this - like I don't deserve it. Dave, however, does deserve it so then I put it to rest. Oh, what the hell, maybe I deserve it after all. It was a rough year for me last year.
On a funny note - before we had the house painted (we couldn't live with the stark white walls) Dave deferred to me to choose the paint. Well, I learned a HUGE lesson: don't choose paint without seeing it on the wall first! I chose 'sunlit sand' - beigey yellow. It was painted while we were on vacation so we finally got to see the house last Tues. Can you say YELLOW????? It turned out much brighter yellow then I expected but, I'm working with it cuz I think when we're done with furniture and decor it will look great. And it is not all yellow - we left a lot of the white too. The blinds are white and the couch is plum. I'm trying for a Tuscany-ish decor. I can't wait to get everything together and take pictures. For now here are some of our furniture. The dining room set sans the bench. The coffee table and the sofa (in plum). We have a few more pieces but no pictures yet.
Luckily we will be all set up with the new TV to watch the inauguration. Big time celebration!