Thursday, September 17, 2009

Thinking Myself To Death

Gosh, it's hard to believe that it's been almost a month since I've blogged. I am not leading a very interesting life so not much to blog about. Hmmmm, food for thought, or, that does lead into what I wanted to write about. After my closet/soul clean out last month I read a comment from my dear friend, Christina, that spoke to me. She said something to the effect that I blame myself and don't take enough credit. Well, I took that nugget of observation and realized that she is absolutely right. It is BORING to continually beat oneself up over past history as well as completely unproductive. I like to pride myself for being a positive and productive person and so I have realized I have not been congruent with the person I thought I was.

My days run together with too much time thinking, thinking, thinking and not enough doing. Although I must say that I have effected change in my life this last 3 months with a new attitude toward food and exercise incorporating both into my life. Happily I can say that I have so far achieved a 20 lb weight loss as of this morning. Yay for me, but not enough for me to be fulfilled. Meaning, weight-loss and a healthy lifestyle are not enough. I have to do more with my life. I fight this depression day in and day out and I realize it is because I am spending waaaay too much time with myself. Earlier this year I applied to the American Cancer Society to become a driver, unfortunately, they do not need any more drivers so I kind of let it drop and focused on my health this summer. I had the usual tests, poking and prodding and oh yeah, the tooth work. So now that I am reasonably on top of my health I need to get on top of my mental and emotional well being. But, there has been something stopping me from really taking that step. I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that I will be happier if I either work, volunteer or take a few classes but I just haven't been able to break through this barrier of laziness/fear to actually DO something.

I have found myself spending too much time thinking (there's that word again) about what I want to do and then I end up paralyzed by indecision. How hard is it really to just pick one thing to do for a few hours a week outside of my miserable brain?? Holy crap. I know that I have a lot to offer - I have done it before. I have worked with women caught up in domestic violence; I have spoken at numerous AA meetings in the past with wonderful reception; I have spent hours in classrooms; volunteered for Jr Achievement; sold homes in a downturn; been on the Honor's roll at the college every semester I attended - so why can't I just DO it already? I'm scared - scared of not making good decisions, scared of failing, scared of succeeding, but, I think I have finally gotten scared enough of what will happen to me if I don't DO something.

To the few loving followers that I have I am asking for encouragement here. I am asking for accountability. I absolutely can not DO this alone - I need your push.

Btw, I am no longer going to regret my past mistakes OR feel sorry for myself for my past. It is so over. I am a pretty darn good person and it is high time to recognize that for myself and get my ass out there to help others and stay out of my head.