Honest Scrap Award

My friend, Kristin, and someone else (escapes my memory right now) tagged me to do this grueling little diddy. I have to come up with 10 truths most people don't know about me. I've been putting it off because I think I'm pretty open and that I don't withhold information but the truth is of course I do and I do for a reason - so others won't see me in a negative light. In the meantime my daughter, Stephanie, has done one and did an excellent job of being honest and transparent. I'm sure I'm not as interesting as she is but here goes -

1. Sometimes when a stranger does something really stupid I fantasize about slapping them upside the head or tripping them. This includes old and young strangers - no matter - I have a no prejudice policy for fantasy kickass. Then I smile to myself feeling better as I am on my way.

2. When I was a little kid I used to fantasize that my parents were killed in either a plane or car crash and then I would cry real tears. It was one of the only ways I could actually 'feel' so that I could cry. There was a lot of abuse going on in my home so I was on auto-pilot a lot of time just to survive.

3. I wanted children as early as 11 or 12 and couldn't wait to get married to have a baby. My biggest regret in life is that I thought that my desire to be a good Mother was in of itself enough but turned out that I was sadly unequipped and lacking in the great Mother gene. There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret mistakes I made as a Mother that hurt my children in any way.

4. Sometimes I wish I could just take off somewhere by myself without having to explain myself. Just to be completely on my own and do exactly as I please for a month. I would shave my head and live in a monastery somewhere.

5. I have a hard time realizing my age and especially my weight.

6. I looked my best in my late 30's early 40's. I was rockin.

7. I regret not spending more time with my grandmother when she had cancer. We had always been SO close but by then I was a 16/17 yr old self absorbed, immortal teenager who didn't realize what was happening. I miss her still to this day.

8. When I was pregnant with my first child I would secretly pray/wish/beg for the baby to be a girl even tho that had already been determined. And I wanted a girl for my 2nd and 3rd as well. I would have been perfectly happy with 3 or 4 little girls.

9. When I was little because I felt so 'different' I didn't think my relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) liked me so I stayed distant from them and never formed close relationships with them. I envy people who have strong family ties.

10. I regret dropping out of High School and going to college when I was young and didn't have kids yet. I think my life would have turned out way differently. I don't know if it would be better or worse but certainly different and I'm sure I would have done well.

Ok, phew, I did it. I'm not tagging anyone but I would love it if you are reading this and have not done it to try it - it's freeing.

Families, Politics and Religion

I recently went on a day trip to Alcatraz with my daughter, son-in-law and grandkids; Jared and Leah. It was fun and there was the usual banter/teasing and laughing that is common in our family. It was a great day. Coming home I was driving and something came up that turned on the valve of 'politics' - well, knowing that my son-in-law and I are far apart on our beliefs I wasn't in a good place (driving the Bay Bridge at 4pm) to state my opinions, etc., so I said 'let's just drop it.' Not wanting to 'get into it' with him about my love for Obama and the liberal side of life. No problem, done deal. I did however realize that my grandson was most definitely wanting to get things going and it really gave me pause later. How do I want my grandchildren to view me as well as my ideals, thoughts and morals? How important really is it that I feel strongly about certain political ideals? The ironic thing of this is that I raised my daughter to be just exactly as her husband is. I was pretty much on the same page with him with my religious and political ideas. Although I think I may have been a tad bit more tolerant on certain things but never the less I was once a conservative, born-again Christian right wing. Now, I am opposite. I do understand where he comes from and why he feels he way he does. Even though I don't agree with him does not mean that I don't respect him or stand by his right to have his own opinions. It is certainly not worth my grandchildren seeing any kind of riff between their Dad and Gma. The truth is I think he is a fantastic Husband and Father. I couldn't be happier that my daughter married this wonderful guy. She is happy - the kids are happy, what more could a Mother possibly want for her child? That's it - I want my children to be happy PERIOD.

I would like to think that he and I really have the basics in common - loving, compassionate, honest and kindhearted. When I have needed help, he has been there and I have no doubt that he will always be if possible. And in turn I will help them out in ways that I can.

As for the grandchildren I know that it is none of my concern what their parents are teaching them and it would be wrong of me to contradict what they are taught in their home. I just hope that I can be a living example of my beliefs and ideals. Maybe the best lesson for them is to see that we can all have different ideas about how things should go but we can also all live together peacefully in our differences. Wouldn't that be an ideal world?

My Hero

Follow up to my previous blog about life insurance. Hubby and I had a little chat tonight over a wonderful dinner out. Turns out he has 3 policies that will be enough for what I wanted. Ooops, sorry for doubting you honey. I am ditzy sometimes I know.
I love my husband. :)

In The Event of Death

Sounds like a depressing subject, right? Yeah, I guess it could be, but the fact is everyone does die. I have been really thinking about the fact that I am not protected adequately if something happens to Dave. He is the breadwinner and makes a great living for us but with his income suddenly gone I'd be left with some SSI and a few other investments it would not come anywhere close to what we have now. I would be able to live independently but not in our home. More like a small apartment somewhere less expensive. I've been thinking that if I had the tragedy of losing my soulmate how could I cope with having to sell and leave my home right away too? It's just too much for me to think about. If I had the ability to wait one year before making major decisions I should be OK. So I contacted our Insurance Agent (we have every insurance except life) to find me a policy that will work to pay the house payment for one year. It's going to be expensive I'm sure because my hubby has this awful smoking habit *steaming*. But darn it - if he can spend all that money on cigarettes he should be able to make sure I'm not forced out of my home.

I was wondering if anyone has known anyone with this experience - where one spouse is completely dependent on the other spouse financially and there was a death. How do you deal with your future possibilities? Does this seem greedy to you? I don't know but I feel it is a way of taking care of myself so that my family won't be burdened. See, if I die first it won't impact Dave financially one bit. In fact I'm sure he'll come out ahead - LOL.

He has just been working like a dog this past year and I worry about his health but there isn't anything I can do to get him to change. But I can be prepared.

Hello, it's me...

You know that song? Well, I thought it was a good lead in for someone that hasn't blogged in months. My daughter, Stephanie, has a kickass blog now and she has inspired me to start blogging again.

This is a feeble beginning to be sure but I am hoping it will get better. Today, Stephanie had a post titled 'A Letter To My Dad..' to her Dad that passed away 2 years and 6 months ago (gosh, has it really been that long)? Anyway it was coincidental that today I finally applied with the American Cancer Society as a volunteer - this was before I read her post. You see I have a Mother who suffers from the 'Me,Me,Me' syndrome and I am realizing that I can be like that too. I don't want to be like that. I long for connections and relationships with others. When Skip, Steph's Dad, was sick and the times that Stephanie really had to be at work I would step in and take him to radiation, Dr appts, errands, etc. The one thing that struck me so clearly was that this man was suffering and in the worst place in his life but still did not complain! He was so gracious and it was great for me to spend those last months around him. We talked and laughed a lot. I am so very happy that I was able to help him even in the little things. I couldn't be anything but grateful for my own life. Problems? What problems? Couldn't compare.

At the time I remember thinking that when Skip got better I wanted to volunteer to drive cancer patients to their appointments. Skip didn't get better and I was too raw from that to volunteer. Now is the time. I am ready. I will continue on with what we started. It's the least I can do. I have some strong opinions about cancer and doctors and how it's treated but I have a heart full of sympathy for people suffering from cancer and I hope to learn from and connect with some people that need a little helping hand and a little company. It really is the best way to get out of your own crap. When you think your life is shit there is always someone who has things worse than you. I encourage anyone with an extra hour or two per month to get out of yourself and find a volunteer position with something you are passionate about. We CAN make a difference. I love you Skip and I miss you.

Houses, Painting and Shopping - OH MY

Lately, I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it's not a dream. We closed on our new house Dec 24th (Merry Christmas to us) and since then we took a vacation to beautiful Lake Tahoe, had the inside of the house painted, ordered all the blinds, bought new furniture, washer/dryer & TV. Whew! After working so hard last year Dave was rewarded with a nice bonus which is what made all this shopping possible. He has been so good to me in understanding how easily stressed I get with this moving business so he's made it as easy as possible for me. We are having the house packed up a week from today then moving the following day. Then I'm having a cleaning service come in to do the apartment. I am truly blessed. At times I feel a little uncomfortable with all this - like I don't deserve it. Dave, however, does deserve it so then I put it to rest. Oh, what the hell, maybe I deserve it after all. It was a rough year for me last year.
On a funny note - before we had the house painted (we couldn't live with the stark white walls) Dave deferred to me to choose the paint. Well, I learned a HUGE lesson: don't choose paint without seeing it on the wall first! I chose 'sunlit sand' - beigey yellow. It was painted while we were on vacation so we finally got to see the house last Tues. Can you say YELLOW????? It turned out much brighter yellow then I expected but, I'm working with it cuz I think when we're done with furniture and decor it will look great. And it is not all yellow - we left a lot of the white too. The blinds are white and the couch is plum. I'm trying for a Tuscany-ish decor. I can't wait to get everything together and take pictures. For now here are some of our furniture. The dining room set sans the bench. The coffee table and the sofa (in plum). We have a few more pieces but no pictures yet.
Luckily we will be all set up with the new TV to watch the inauguration. Big time celebration!

Back To Blond

Oh well, yes, I did try the dark hair for about 4-5 mos but I grew tired of it. It kept washing out and looking dingy so I went back to my old hairdresser in Ripon and she put me all back to normal. I love Gina cuz she just always knows what to do and what I like. So now I just have to drive an hour and a half to get my hair done every few months. That's perfectly fine though since my Mom, Dad, kids and grand kids all live in the area so I can visit too!

I really want to age with grace but it is so hard to see that I am not as young as I think I am. I am considering some botox or something and seriously considering a tummy tuck with a little breast lift to go with it. Ugh, what to do, what to do...