Sunday, June 29, 2008

Five Things

When I first saw this blog title on my friends' blog I thought to myself 'I'm 50 for God's sakes I can't think of just 5 things from my life'. Five incidences or experiences that have defined my life? There is no way I could do it. Then after mulling it over I realized that I could do it by decade. Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket! So I will give it a whirl. I write off the cuff so I have no idea what will come out here. Deep breath -

1. 0-10 defining moment. I was a Daddy's girl and when Daddy went to Alaska in 1963 I was 5 and my heart was broken. He was gone around a year with one or two visits home during that time. I used to pray every night for my Daddy to come home and a pony. I remember when he surprised me for a Christmas visit, I was sooooo happy. When he did come home I was 6 years old and I was happy to have my Daddy home. Sometime in that first few days my Mom, brother and sister were gone and it was just me and Daddy. Daddy took me to my room and he hurt me. You can come to your own conclusions but this was the defining moment of my life. I did not understand what had happened yet I knew to be ashamed. I didn't tell anyone. This special relationship went on for 5 more years and later when I was in therapy I had flashbacks and realized that it had happened when I was even younger. It's a sad thing to say that my earliest years when I should have been happy and only worrying about who was coming to my birthday parties I spent afraid, ashamed, confused and lonely. Lonely because I absolutely knew that no one else had my dirty secret.

2. 10-20 - Now this was when I found relief. I found it at 10 in a tumbler full of homemade Portuguese wine that my best friend's Dad made. I gulped it down and I had some moments of numbness. Sweet, evasive numbness. No fear, no shame just numb. This started me on a decade of drugs and alcohol that as I look back I am convinced it saved my life. I didn't have anywhere to turn that I trusted so this served as my escape to somewhere else other than the hell I was in. I still functioned very well thank you. And I had the boys - yes, the other drug of choice. Sex = love, right? I chased it looking for a little love, looking for approval and the validation that I was OK. I was lucky that nothing too bad ever happened. Bad enough but not life lasting. Thanks Dad.

3. 20-30 - My life's dream was to have a baby. I dreamt of my first child from the time I was 12 years old. I wanted only to be a Mommy. As I look back I realize it was the selfish wanting of a baby to fulfill my own needs and not to give love unconditionally but when I first held my baby girl I knew that I was OK that nothing and no one could steal away this joy I had in my heart and my arms. She was everything to me and she taught me all about selfless love. My goal in life was to be the Mother that I didn't have. To never, ever allow anything bad to happen to this child. Unfortunately no matter how much I wished it it just wouldn't be. She was hurt, life wasn't always fair. I failed in my quest to be the perfect Mommy. Only later in life did I realize that there is no such thing as a perfect Mom. I did the best I could do and if loving her was a testament as to a good Mom then I believe she had the best.

4. Is still in the above decade. I went through many life changing events in this decade. The second was during a major crisis in my life and through people in my life that loved me I was led to the Lord and gave my life to Jesus. I am putting this in here even though I no longer consider myself a Christian but this pivotal event in my life gave me so much and it gave my children a decent home to be raised in because I didn't know how to believe in anything so I followed my Christian friends. I no longer drank which was a biggie and for the first time in my life I felt that I could be loved. From this beginning I was able to continue on my path of Spiritual experiences and find the peace that I now have.

5. 40-50 - Addiction/Recovery. Due to 2 auto accidents followed by a diagnoses of rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia I ended up addicted to Vicodin. It became the love of my life and the death of my life. Then full circle to learning how to live my life fully and joyfully in recovery. I don't always do this thing perfectly and in fact have fallen a few times in the last 10 years but I keep getting back up and striving for the fullest truth and the joy of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment in time. This past ten years I have and am learning how to love myself, who I am, how to love others, how to speak my mind and I could go on and on. Basically because of my addiction I ended up in AA and discovering the Higher Power - God of my understanding that I have searched for my whole life. The worst possible thing could happen to me and I absolutely know in my heart that as long as I look to the Divine/the light of the Universe that I will be OK. I have learned and I am still learning how to live this thing called life on life's terms. I am a work in progress. It is progress not perfection.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

My 'babies' or Cats Rule

A couple of weeks ago I was ready to send these two back to the shelter. They were anti social, pooped all the time and just made my life harder with no payoff. I am happy to report that is just a dim memory now. Dash and Dani are darling, they are not pooping every 20 mins, have become quite sociable and give us countless hours of entertainment. At 5 am this morning I might have been a tad bit irritated as they played leap frog on my lifeless sleeping body - but I recovered quickly to join the morning with them. It is so funny how they'll find little nuggets that intrigue them and bring them out to play. So far they've found a sock that my grandson left behind, my flip flops, well just shoes period, business cards and keys out of my purse, a mousy toy that they had the first week here (went missing), and some other unidentifiable nick knacks. My little affectionate name for the pair is monkeys. They remind me of them in the way they relate, play and their intelligence.

Dani (the girl) is the most affectionate - the fear I had of them never cuddling up with me has now been replaced by the fear that she'll never get out of my butt. We are thrilled that we have them. They are bringing so much joy to us and life will definitely not get boring with these two hanging around.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Where did this come from???

That extra 10 pounds that has attached itself to me!! Damn, if it's not one thing it's another. My sponsor and therapist are telling me 'oh don't worry about it you have so many things going'. Well, I am flippin worried about it! My clothes don't fit anymore, I have these gross rolls. The bitch of it is I am constantly hungry - like stomach hurts hungry. I'm not eating out of nervousness or craving but HUNGER. Maybe it's the new medication. Here it is summertime and I am not shorts and tank top worthy let alone a freakin bathing suit! Crap. I guess I'll buy a moo-moo before our trip to Tahoe. I'm depressed....and HUNGRY!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

You mean it's not all about ME??

I have been married to my wonderful husband for a little over 2 1/2 years. I was married twice before - first time when I was a baby of 18 and the marriage only lasted a few years and the second marriage lasted nearly 18 years. So I thought I was 'experienced' and wise to the pitfalls. Wrong. What I have found out is that wherever I go there I am along with all of my character defects mostly my self-centeredness . I have been navigating my way through yet another life change and self realization. Brought to me by the craziness of addiction and depression. It is a blessing to be able to get out of a deep, dark hole and really look at myself for who I am and have the courage to change. It's painful at times but it's a beautiful thing to become more like your ideal self, more like the Divine. I had a spiritual awakening yesterday as I was contemplating my marital woes and it astounded me that I had not been true to the marriage agreement. The marriage agreement to me is about being a fulfilled, independent human being and then joining with someone who makes life more fun - brings added dimensions to your life. Yin Yang so to speak and the responsibility and honor we have as partners is to want the best for our partner. It is to be as vested in their personal, spiritual and emotional growth as we are in our own. It is to encourage and support our partner in their own quest for completeness even if it means not being with you. This is what unconditional love looks like to me.

I have not been anywhere near that with my partner. I have been critical, self-seeking and punishing (especially when his needs conflict with mine). This is a huge chunk of truth for me to swallow but if I do not realize and accept my lack of support I will never change. My marriage will die of neglect. As the fog lifts and the sun shines into my soul I am beginning to get a glimpse of what my path or quest is - it is to be fully present, to love, to leave this world a better place than how I came and to support the Universe in a unity of peace, love and joy. I can start by practicing with the one I agreed to spend my life with - the one I love.

Monday, June 23, 2008

A whole new world

This is my very first experience with blogging. I am starting this to spread my wings a bit and maybe meet some like minded people out here in Cyberworld - oh, and to stalk my girly girlfriends that left MM. I'm counting on you gals to help me through this maze of blogness that I am completely a virgin in. I've missed the deep discussions we used to have - um, could ya pass the dips and chips please...and there goes Kristin with the margarita machine again.

These women have seen me through such a dark time in my life and encouraged me each step of the way. I think of them as daughters or sisters in any case I love them. I'm excited to read their blogs and to see each of them blossom. Kristin, Chrissi, Cristina, Alicia, Manda, Jess, Jae, Cat and Sara - they've touched me (no Jae, not like that).

MM became a place where the far right and uber religious would spew so much judgment on people that god forbid didn't agree to their ramblings that it was far from the love that I was seeking. It seemed that the field had narrowed of like minded women to share with. Many times in past few months I sit at my laptop and shake my head - WTF did she just say??? Holy Cow!! Sooooo, anyway, that's why I'm here now. I think I'll enjoy this.