Tuesday, June 24, 2008

You mean it's not all about ME??

I have been married to my wonderful husband for a little over 2 1/2 years. I was married twice before - first time when I was a baby of 18 and the marriage only lasted a few years and the second marriage lasted nearly 18 years. So I thought I was 'experienced' and wise to the pitfalls. Wrong. What I have found out is that wherever I go there I am along with all of my character defects mostly my self-centeredness . I have been navigating my way through yet another life change and self realization. Brought to me by the craziness of addiction and depression. It is a blessing to be able to get out of a deep, dark hole and really look at myself for who I am and have the courage to change. It's painful at times but it's a beautiful thing to become more like your ideal self, more like the Divine. I had a spiritual awakening yesterday as I was contemplating my marital woes and it astounded me that I had not been true to the marriage agreement. The marriage agreement to me is about being a fulfilled, independent human being and then joining with someone who makes life more fun - brings added dimensions to your life. Yin Yang so to speak and the responsibility and honor we have as partners is to want the best for our partner. It is to be as vested in their personal, spiritual and emotional growth as we are in our own. It is to encourage and support our partner in their own quest for completeness even if it means not being with you. This is what unconditional love looks like to me.

I have not been anywhere near that with my partner. I have been critical, self-seeking and punishing (especially when his needs conflict with mine). This is a huge chunk of truth for me to swallow but if I do not realize and accept my lack of support I will never change. My marriage will die of neglect. As the fog lifts and the sun shines into my soul I am beginning to get a glimpse of what my path or quest is - it is to be fully present, to love, to leave this world a better place than how I came and to support the Universe in a unity of peace, love and joy. I can start by practicing with the one I agreed to spend my life with - the one I love.


Alicia said...

I think we all struggle with this. I know that I catch myself in an "It's all about ME!" mood frequently when it comes to my marriage. I am most definitely the dominant partner in our relationship; it's that Taurus hard-headedness that makes me so:)

Recognizing it is the first step. Actually implementing a change is extremely difficult, in my case anyway. My ego just can't stay out of the way.

Harry contributes to it, too. He seems to think his personal goal in life is to make me happy, which is very sweet but could crush him in the end. If he's always catering to the women in his family (myself, Ellie, even his mom in small ways), where does that leave him?

So, like you said, it's up to us to live up to our part of the bargain.

Sara said...

Crap! Yes, to you and Alicia. I've had the same actualization lately, and have stopped blaming him and realizing my own self-destructive way are getting in the way of my being happy, not him. I've been blaming him for years, and anything I did to put a dent in our marriage I always somehow made his fault. I am just thankful he's stuck around long enough for me to realize it.

Lweeks said...

I failed miserably last night. I guess I'm in a coma. I'll keep working on it.