Thursday, September 17, 2009

Thinking Myself To Death

Gosh, it's hard to believe that it's been almost a month since I've blogged. I am not leading a very interesting life so not much to blog about. Hmmmm, food for thought, or, that does lead into what I wanted to write about. After my closet/soul clean out last month I read a comment from my dear friend, Christina, that spoke to me. She said something to the effect that I blame myself and don't take enough credit. Well, I took that nugget of observation and realized that she is absolutely right. It is BORING to continually beat oneself up over past history as well as completely unproductive. I like to pride myself for being a positive and productive person and so I have realized I have not been congruent with the person I thought I was.

My days run together with too much time thinking, thinking, thinking and not enough doing. Although I must say that I have effected change in my life this last 3 months with a new attitude toward food and exercise incorporating both into my life. Happily I can say that I have so far achieved a 20 lb weight loss as of this morning. Yay for me, but not enough for me to be fulfilled. Meaning, weight-loss and a healthy lifestyle are not enough. I have to do more with my life. I fight this depression day in and day out and I realize it is because I am spending waaaay too much time with myself. Earlier this year I applied to the American Cancer Society to become a driver, unfortunately, they do not need any more drivers so I kind of let it drop and focused on my health this summer. I had the usual tests, poking and prodding and oh yeah, the tooth work. So now that I am reasonably on top of my health I need to get on top of my mental and emotional well being. But, there has been something stopping me from really taking that step. I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that I will be happier if I either work, volunteer or take a few classes but I just haven't been able to break through this barrier of laziness/fear to actually DO something.

I have found myself spending too much time thinking (there's that word again) about what I want to do and then I end up paralyzed by indecision. How hard is it really to just pick one thing to do for a few hours a week outside of my miserable brain?? Holy crap. I know that I have a lot to offer - I have done it before. I have worked with women caught up in domestic violence; I have spoken at numerous AA meetings in the past with wonderful reception; I have spent hours in classrooms; volunteered for Jr Achievement; sold homes in a downturn; been on the Honor's roll at the college every semester I attended - so why can't I just DO it already? I'm scared - scared of not making good decisions, scared of failing, scared of succeeding, but, I think I have finally gotten scared enough of what will happen to me if I don't DO something.

To the few loving followers that I have I am asking for encouragement here. I am asking for accountability. I absolutely can not DO this alone - I need your push.

Btw, I am no longer going to regret my past mistakes OR feel sorry for myself for my past. It is so over. I am a pretty darn good person and it is high time to recognize that for myself and get my ass out there to help others and stay out of my head.

1 comment:

KJ said...

Linda, just make a call. Get the ball rolling. Find a volunteer organization or a job that seems even the least bit interesting, and make the call. Once things are moving, you'll get swept up in it and go with the flow. I understand what it's like to look too far inward, and nothing good comes of it. Getting out there and doing something will be the best thing in the world for you and why would you not want to do something that you know will bring positive results? Go, girl, go!! :)