Up, down, all around

Keeping It Going

2010-01-13T08:01:00.002-08:00

Seventeen days until we leave for our week's vacation on a Caribbean Cruise. Wow, time is flying. I have never cruised before so I am just a bit apprehensive about it. I'm hoping the weather is great for us. The weight that I put back on over the holidays is a bummer but I have been back on track this past week and hitting the gym so hopefully by the time we leave I'll be back or at least close to the weight I was in November. I start with a personal trainer tomorrow and I'm excited about it and at the same time I am scared! We'll see what happens, but, I am determined to stick to it. Yay!

We changed health insurance at the beginning of the year. It is such a hassle for me as I have Arthritis and see a Dr regularly as well as have a IV therapy every 8 weeks. I am due for my treatment next week so my fingers are crossed that my appointment today with the Rheumatologist goes smoothly and I get an appointment for next week for the treatment. If I can't get in before our cruise then I will have to deal with the extra pain. I'm keeping a positive attitude about this.

I'm glad that I am taking the time to take care of my health and to blog. Yay, an accomplishment! Keeping it going.

Little Miss Lazy Bones

2010-01-12T09:40:00.001-08:00

Frustration is what I am feeling this morning. Ugh. For some reason my internet connection is so slow that I'm ready to throw down this Mac! I'm going to get a new wireless router (mine is ancient) and see if that helps. If not, I may be changing my internet carrier. Would love to hear from anyone that has had this problem and how you fixed it.

On the up side I was able (after many x hitting the resend button) to order the package from the Real Estate school so that I can get going on that. I'm having mixed feelings on this adventure now. My daughter is planning on moving much closer and has asked me if I will help out with the kids. I am thrilled that they are going to be closer and that I will have more opportunities to be a part of their lives but at the same time the last thing that I want to do is put myself in a situation where I'm overwhelmed. I will just have to stick to prioritizing - my business should not be first in my life. I do have family that I love and want to be a part of - my Mom, my two daughters, my son (who is going to be a Dad for the first time) and my husband.

To be honest I have a terrible track record of following through. Cough, cough - ahem - this is so embarrassing, and humiliating to actually admit but I also know that anyone who knows me well knows this about me. For whatever reason I have had to not just 'buck up' and get things done I don't know. I think maybe laziness is a learned habit and one I intend to break. But it is hard - after-all I can't say how many people have said how spoiled I am and what a great life I have. True, but, big f*ing deal. The things that I am most proud of in my life have been when I had to work for them. I guess the best way for me to get off the potty is to just get off the potty. Maybe it's that I go to the gym today when I don't want to. Maybe it's back to setting a time limit each day that I can loaf but the rest of the time has to be constructive. I think deep down I am fearful of failure. I have learned from the past that when I face something head on that I am fearful of it diminishes in it's power over me.

Well, I must run now, gotta get my shoes on and head to the gym.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go...

2010-01-07T11:25:00.000-08:00

The last few months have been a range of the worst I've ever felt and a clarity of mind and spirit. I had a one week 'vacation' at our local behavioral health hospital for a little 'rest'. I was put on medications that I have never taken before and I was not able to leave said hospital until my Dr cleared it. Talk about scary! Luckily I knew it was an opportunity for me to focus just on getting better and dealing with my diseases. I am happy to report that the medications have worked very well for me - beyond my expectations. Who knew that a couple of medications would really help those desperate and anxiety rid moods?

The holidays were wonderful. I did things with a happy and joyous heart and never felt overwhelmed by the Season, only excitement. It has taken me much longer to take down all the decorations but that's OK, who cares?

During this last few months it became really clear (again) that I must find a something to keep me busy, fulfilled and out of my head so I decided to go back to the one job (besides wife and mommy) that fulfilled me and brought out the best in me. I am going to get my Real Estate License again and go back into the business. Some reactions have been negative saying things like 'in this market?, no one is getting financing' and most have been very supportive. I do know what the market has been like. I do know that it will take some time before I make some real $ in the business. I also know that just getting out and meeting people, helping people and just being involved will feel great. I am lucky to have the luxury of taking lots of time to build a business. We don't need any income from me so this is just going to be fun for me with the real possibility of making a nice income to boot.

First on the agenda is to satisfy the education that is required to obtain my license as well as studying to take the state test again. This is what I will be focusing my energy on for the next month - 6 weeks. It is nice to not have to worry about a deadline to do this but at the same time I have goals in place. Once I take and pass the state test and get my license then I will apply for positions with a few Real Estate Companies in the area. I have a few in mind now.

I am going on my first cruise with hubby at the beginning of February for a week in the Caribbean. I can hardly wait. This is a must for us as a couple - the last real vacation we took was in December of 2006 to Cancun and it rained the entire week. It sucked. So this time I am cautiously optimistic about this one. There are many things that need to be done this month and I welcome the distractions. First off I am back on my weight loss/getting fit journey. I lost 27 lbs last year and was very close to my ideal weight until the holidays. Eh, that's ok, life is to be lived and enjoyed. I have to say though it is much more fun to see the scale go down and the jeans in a smaller size look great on me than eating all the extra goodies. It's a lifestyle that I hope to stick to throughout the rest of my life and hopefully will extend my life and quality of life. Also on my list is a commitment to purchase, prepare and deliver a meal for 30 to our local women and children's shelter. These are families displaced by domestic violence. I am really looking forward to that. I am also learning how to get the most out of my new Macbook Pro. Since I have always been a PC girl it is an adjustment but it's all good.

I hope to be more consistent with blogging just for my benefit. It's fun and cathartic to blog. It also gets me to read my friend's blogs' for updates and enjoyment.

I can just feel that 2010 is going to be the best year so far for me! Happy New Year!

I Am What I Am

2009-10-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

Immediately after I wrote my last post I had some awakenings of what my real problem was and then it was reinforced by some exchanges with a friend. I haven't been able to express to many other people what was going on with me or how I was feeling. Mainly because there has always been shame around my addiction/depression/anxiety and also because I hate to appear 'not together'.

So the truth is that I am an addict ie; addictive personality that became addicted to prescription pain meds and then began to abuse them until my life spun completely out of control. That was my personal definition. That happened several years ago and since then I have been clean and sober far more than not but it still remains a struggle for me. When my physical health got worse over the last few years it became harder. I don't like pain in any form - most addicts don't, hell, most people don't. What can I say? I think I took in way too much pain as a child that something got short circuited and now I don't do it well nor do I do stress well. If I am going to meetings regularly and have a good recovery going then I can manage through the rough spots pretty well. Lucky me that I am also the flip side of addiction which is the co-dependent and I would guess that most alcoholic/addicts also suffer a bit from that as well. In the program we are what's known as "double winners". Yay me. So, I know my recovery is in trouble if I am abusing pain meds (obviously) and staying away from meetings or if I become too emotionally involved in my loved ones lives. Meaning for me it is when someone I love is struggling with a life issue I take it on personally - I feel the overwhelming need to make it better - that I am somehow responsible for their well being. Big red flag for me. It can tear me up emotionally and I lose perspective.

It has been a culmination of all these things that has brought me to this point of realizing (once again) that I am human, I have this frailty and I need some help along the way. I forgot that I need to keep those reinforcements near by, I forgot how important being in active recovery is for me and slowly I got to a point where I was in the red zone. Thankfully new treatments that I have been receiving for a few months has made a world of difference in my health. I am no longer in the kind of pain that I was in earlier. I have talked with my Dr and I have been off prescription pain meds completely for about a month. I have been taking care of my physical self this summer so all that is good. What was left was my emotional health and I mistakenly thought I needed to give more to feel better. I was wrong. I need to gather round the wagons now until I am stronger emotionally. I have a history of pretending that everything is A-ok with me and that I can handle it. With the help of a few friends and knowing what some dear friends are going through - their courage has given me the courage to say 'I need a little help right now'. So I have been back to meetings for the last couple of weeks - 1 1/2 hours a day in a meeting. I have some good days and I have my crap days. This week especially has been hard because of a rift/miscommunication/hurt feelings involving a very close family member. I find myself crying way too much but not sure what else to do. I have a terrible time thinking that someone disapproves of me but right now I am doing what I know I need to do so that I can get better quickly and participate fully in life again. I know I will - I have no doubt about that. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am what I am - no better, no worse. I am a human being that has some limitations and needs a little extra help sometimes along the way.

My example to write in my blog (no names) has been a great inspiration to me to remove the mask of 'perfection' and lay it out. This is for my own mental health. I am a survivor and anyone who knows me well knows that but first I must admit that I am powerless over people, places and things. I can't do this alone.

Thinking Myself To Death

2009-09-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

Gosh, it's hard to believe that it's been almost a month since I've blogged. I am not leading a very interesting life so not much to blog about. Hmmmm, food for thought, or, that does lead into what I wanted to write about. After my closet/soul clean out last month I read a comment from my dear friend, Christina, that spoke to me. She said something to the effect that I blame myself and don't take enough credit. Well, I took that nugget of observation and realized that she is absolutely right. It is BORING to continually beat oneself up over past history as well as completely unproductive. I like to pride myself for being a positive and productive person and so I have realized I have not been congruent with the person I thought I was.

My days run together with too much time thinking, thinking, thinking and not enough doing. Although I must say that I have effected change in my life this last 3 months with a new attitude toward food and exercise incorporating both into my life. Happily I can say that I have so far achieved a 20 lb weight loss as of this morning. Yay for me, but not enough for me to be fulfilled. Meaning, weight-loss and a healthy lifestyle are not enough. I have to do more with my life. I fight this depression day in and day out and I realize it is because I am spending waaaay too much time with myself. Earlier this year I applied to the American Cancer Society to become a driver, unfortunately, they do not need any more drivers so I kind of let it drop and focused on my health this summer. I had the usual tests, poking and prodding and oh yeah, the tooth work. So now that I am reasonably on top of my health I need to get on top of my mental and emotional well being. But, there has been something stopping me from really taking that step. I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that I will be happier if I either work, volunteer or take a few classes but I just haven't been able to break through this barrier of laziness/fear to actually DO something.

I have found myself spending too much time thinking (there's that word again) about what I want to do and then I end up paralyzed by indecision. How hard is it really to just pick one thing to do for a few hours a week outside of my miserable brain?? Holy crap. I know that I have a lot to offer - I have done it before. I have worked with women caught up in domestic violence; I have spoken at numerous AA meetings in the past with wonderful reception; I have spent hours in classrooms; volunteered for Jr Achievement; sold homes in a downturn; been on the Honor's roll at the college every semester I attended - so why can't I just DO it already? I'm scared - scared of not making good decisions, scared of failing, scared of succeeding, but, I think I have finally gotten scared enough of what will happen to me if I don't DO something.

To the few loving followers that I have I am asking for encouragement here. I am asking for accountability. I absolutely can not DO this alone - I need your push.

Btw, I am no longer going to regret my past mistakes OR feel sorry for myself for my past. It is so over. I am a pretty darn good person and it is high time to recognize that for myself and get my ass out there to help others and stay out of my head.

Trip Down Memory Lane... treasures in the trash

2009-08-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

I took on a project a few weeks ago - a daunting task really. Since my divorce in 1999 I've moved countless times but continued lugging with me a couple of file caddy's full of paperwork and adding to them with new court proceedings, debt collections, etc. It's the kind of stuff you wish you could just forget but can't just throw away. Well, this collection of crap er...paperwork was taking up a LOT of space in my spare room closet (4 boxes worth), not to mention that the past 4 yrs it has been added to with crap from my present husband/life. So I decided that it was time to go through it once and for all and either throw away, shred or file. What that meant was that I had to touch thousands of pieces of paper not just once but twice. Ugh. Daunting, right?

I can say it took a lot longer than expected but then again I wasn't on any time frame. This task became a journey into my past of circumstances and situations that I would rather forget. For the most part there was a LOT of financial stuff (credit card statements, bank statements, etc) that just needed to be shredded. There were also court proceedings from my very trying divorce. Paperwork that reminded me of what lengths my ex went through to keep me from getting anything that I had coming to me. This brought up all kinds of unpleasant feelings and memories. It was painful to go through this stuff. Boy did it feel good to shred it all! It was like cutting a ball and chain off of me. There was a 2-3 yr time period during my divorce that I was just at the bottom and wondered if I'd ever be happy again. I went through financial ruin, emotional turmoil and I made some really bad mistakes - mistakes that I don't think I can ever completely forgive myself for but that I have learned to live with. I make amends today still by being the best person I can be one day at a time.

In this mountain of bad memories there was a small percentage of priceless jewels - I had saved all my children's special awards from school as well as all the awards that I received from their schools for being Room Mom, special helper, etc. It reminded me that I was a very involved parent and helped smooth over the pain of my errors. The best prize that I came across was buried in a set of medical records for my youngest child. You see I was her foster mother when she was just 6 weeks old and she never left us after that. We formally adopted her when she was 2 1/2 - before that I wasn't allowed to change her name so when the time came she already knew her name so we changed her middle name and her last name of course. I also did not have anything from when she was a newborn. She was placed in protective custody within 24 hours after her birth as her mother was a known drug user and and the baby tested positive for cocaine. I picked up these medical records of her short 5 day stay in the hospital when she was born and read through each page (what I could decipher). She was 5 lbs 2 oz, 18 inches long. She was actually pretty healthy for a drug exposed infant with her apgar scores 7 and 9. I teared up reading what the mother said (lies) and how sad it was to have to leave this baby motherless. It made my heart ache. Within the pages was something I had somehow missed before - her newborn footprints. I can't tell you how happy this made me - to have something from those early hours of her life are precious beyond belief to me.

This made the whole process worth it. And now my house is all cleaned out of old, useless, paperwork and memories leaving only the treasures that I choose to keep in my home and my heart.

All the shredded crap going to the recycle pile to be made into something useful.

Odds and Ends

2009-08-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

It is another grey morning here in the Bay Area in a string of grey, cool days. I am beginning to wonder if we will have a summer at all! I am one of those crazy folks who actually likes hot weather - well, below 95 degrees I should say, so these temps that don't exceed the low 70's doesn't do much for me. Here it is August and we've only had our A/C on a couple of times this year. While that is great for our utility bill it's not so great for this sun lover. Usually when we take our Lake Tahoe vacation we escape the heat, not so this year, it was definitely hotter there than it has been here. I am longing for the beautiful Southern California weather and the beautiful beaches. One piece of good news is that the weather this summer is unusually cool for the Bay Area which is nice to hear that this is just a fluke and not how it's always going to be.

On the dental front - I had broken a front tooth cap while on vacation which has been annoying, embarrassing, inconvenient and emotionally painful (although not physically so). I've been dealing with this for 3 weeks now and was beginning to think I was never going to be able to get it fixed. Let's just say it involves a lot of dental work and $$$. I'm happy to report that as soon as I get an all clear from my Rheumatologist I can schedule and have the work done. Yippee!

Weight Watchers - I am thrilled to report that in three weeks I have lost 10 lbs! I have 20 more to go but I definitely feel motivated and hopeful that I will continue on the weight loss path. The timing of my weight loss and the dental work will actually work out great since Dave is planning for a really nice tropical vacation in February 2010. I should have a rockin smile and body by the time we go. Woo hoo! I'll be more careful on this next vacation with what I choose to eat - no biting and tearing on a hard crusted sandwich!

Marital bliss(?) - Well, I can say that I talked to the hubster on our trip up to Reno and spilled out all my feelings about our estrangement and how I feel like a piece of the furniture. It felt good to express my feelings to him. He listened to me and acknowledged my feelings but didn't want to respond at that time (the first day driving up). He never responded. Although he did say that he understands why I feel the way I do and he does love and appreciate me. Just being able to express myself helped a lot but I am still going to have another talk with him this weekend. He is still working like crazy. I know he does this to make more $ for our future and that his self worth is tied to his career but we can't lose our day to day enjoyment of life. In the meantime I am doing the things I know I need to do for myself.

Volunteerism - After applying with the American Cancer Society I was told that they have plenty of drivers and don't have a need for more at this time and then asked if I wanted to help with their annual fundraiser here in the Bay Area. At this point I am concentrating on getting the dental work done so that I am presentable again but I still plan on finding something that is suited for me. I NEED to find something to do outside the house. I am BORED and get depressed when I spend too much time alone.

Friendships -I am so happy that I have met some really great women since joining some and starting a Meetup group. I've been getting out and socializing which has been fantastic. I longed for girlfriend time and now I have it.. I am blessed that I make friends easily and the gals that I've been drawn to are similar to me. I adore them. Thanks Meetup.com!!! I highly recommend this site for joining groups of interest to you and meeting new friends. There are many, many different groups for every imaginable interest. This was how I met some great friends when I was in So Cal.

This about does it as far as catching up my thoughts on my little ole life.

Namaste

Family Vacation

2009-07-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

This was the view from our rented townhome. It was definitely beautiful, peaceful, relaxing. Well, at least for a few hours before the kids started showing up. Dave and I went to Reno the day before we checked into our rental on Saturday. Reno was fun - luckily Dave was a winner. In fact he was the winner the whole week. I could not get on a lucky streak with the gambling which should have been a clue to me to just stop. It was still fun and uneventful.

On Saturday morning we got an early start to take the hour drive over to Lake Tahoe. I had called a head of time and found out that we could check in after 10 am - yay, lucky us. Usually check-in isn't until 3pm. When we got there to check in there was a discussion on whether we wanted futons or twin mattresses delivered to our place for the extra little sleepers. All the sudden someone took over my husband's body - this personality was NOT welcome. He was a real jerk and very difficult. He ended up leaving me standing in the lobby of the resort because HE wrote down the wrong license plate number....great, just great. I was ready to call the whole thing off (actually it was more like I was ready to send him packing). We quickly resolved the issue for the time being and I happily started settling in and eagerly awaited Stephanie et al to arrive. In the mean time we got some sandwiches (I had been on WW for one week so still wanted to stay on track). As I took my second bite of sandwich I hear this 'crack' and quickly discovered a front tooth was missing - shit, where the hell is it??!! Whew, found it. But now what? What the hell am I going to do for the rest of our vacation? Within 10 mins the kids showed up and the games begun. I never was able to take care of the tooth while we were there but I figured if I was going to have any kind of a good time I would have to check the ego at the door and say fuck it.

It went clear sailing pretty much the rest of the week with the exception of the 'hag woman from hell' at the trout farm (you will find the story here).

I was lucky enough to have all three of my kids come with their spouse/fiance/girlfriend and my grandkids. It did me a world of good to spend time with all of them. Especially my youngest, Christina, since she lives so far away and just got engaged. I was looking forward to spending some quality time with her and to get to know Joe (fiance) better. In my son's case it was his birthday while we were there so we gave he and his girlfriend a hotel room for two nights. I didn't particularly want to witness his drunkenness. When it comes to Michael one never knows what you're going to get. He is a Cancer and very true to form. He can be extremely crabby but usually it's because he is super sensitive. So, I was a little cautious until I could get a read on his mood. It turned out that he was great. I don't know if it was because his girlfriend was there or what but he was the good/funny Michael that we all love. With the exception of the 'episode' referred to earlier of 'hag'. We all went out on the boat - so much fun. I even went out on the tube with Stephanie and Leah. It was especially fun to watch the guys out on the tube. Jimmy did a great job giving them a wild ride and the spectators quite a show.

One day we went to a beautiful beach for a few hours (too short) and it was just perfect. Unfortunately Stephanie thought the kiddos were sunburned even after dousing them in 50 spf - it was super hot that week. Luckily they were not burned. I loved watching Mike and Christina with their partners. Susy, Mike's g/f, was really sweet and seems really good for Mike. I've never seen him be this way with a girl before. It was evident that he cares very much for her and visa versa. I was so happy to see this. He has had issues with women so I hope that this will last for him. And then there was my baby girl and her fiance, Joe. I think my heart could have just burst watching them over the week. Joe is just so good and doting to her. And she is definitely in love with him. She can and does depend on him and he doesn't let her down. Stephanie and I were discussing them and she hit the nail on the head in describing them - he is the male counterpart of her. I wasn't sure that she would ever meet someone so right for her but she has. Dave and I believe that they are soulmates (and I never used to believe in that).

Even though she lives far from her beloved family and they're poor and don't have much in material things those two are on top of the world having each other. They make my heart melt.

While we were at the beach Joe was in the water the whole time we were there. One of the great things about him is that he's so good with the kiddos. My grandkids LOVE him. He's like the pied piper when it comes to the kids. So he was out in the water going back and forth from the shallow area to the deeper area in between taking time out to make a guppie trap for the kids - sure enough that sucker caught guppies! When we were getting ready to take off he grabs Christina's hand and takes her out to the deeper area (4 ft clear water) and shows her this heart of rocks that he made for her.....awwwwwww. He won over all of our hearts last week. He is already part of the family.

I am happy beyond belief when it comes to my kids and their choices in partners. Stephanie's husband, Jimmy, is a wonderful husband and father and I really could not have handpicked him any better. They are both good parents and devoted to each other. Michael seems to have found an awesome woman and hopefully their love will grow and flourish and Christina and Joe are definitely off to a great start of a long and happy marriage. Now, we can get started on planning a wedding.

As far as Dave and I are concerned I was so proud of him for doing things that he might not choose to do if it wasn't for me and my preferences. The best part is that going out and hanging out on the beach turned out to be fun for him. It gave him another chance to bond with and get to know my kids. They are all so very important to me and my biggest wish in life is for all of them to accept each other as family and care for one another as I do.

Now for more picture memories of our vacation.

Dave, Leah and Stephanie

Michael and Susy

Dave and Jimmy - living the life.

Vacation - will it help?

2009-07-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we are leaving for a much anticipated vacation up in beautiful Lake Tahoe. Dave and I are going up one day early and are going to spend the night in Reno then the next day we are checking into our rental house. Stephanie and her family will arrive there Sat. Then my son and his girlfriend and Christina and her fiance, Joe, will be there on Monday. I'm very happy to have all of my kids together for a vacation. When they were young I used to take them up to Tahoe every year and we always had a great time. Usually I do not want to go home.

One of the things I am hoping is for Dave to be able to relax and for us to reconnect and find romance again. The physical part of our relationship has been practically non existent for several months and it is really getting me down. He has been depressed and shut off from most joyful things, instead working so hard to secure a promotion and make more money for our future. Because he has been depressed (and I know how that is) I haven't pressured him about discussing anything too deep or about our physical distance but I am just about drained from this. I feel like I lost him somewhere. I don't want to be roommates, I want to have intimacy on every level with my husband. Isn't that what marriage is. I know and understand that he has reasons for his depression. He has some deep stuff that he hasn't dealt with and has told me a few times that he's going to seek help. He has not. He doesn't have any friends around here, doesn't socialize really, doesn't exercise or do anything just for himself. I feel for him I really do and it breaks my heart. It also hurts me to be alone so much and to never have compliments or passes.

I sure hope this vacation allows for him to just have some fun and for us to remember those early days of romance. I miss it.

Honest Scrap Award

2009-07-10T07:20:00.001-07:00

My friend, Kristin, and someone else (escapes my memory right now) tagged me to do this grueling little diddy. I have to come up with 10 truths most people don't know about me. I've been putting it off because I think I'm pretty open and that I don't withhold information but the truth is of course I do and I do for a reason - so others won't see me in a negative light. In the meantime my daughter, Stephanie, has done one and did an excellent job of being honest and transparent. I'm sure I'm not as interesting as she is but here goes -

1. Sometimes when a stranger does something really stupid I fantasize about slapping them upside the head or tripping them. This includes old and young strangers - no matter - I have a no prejudice policy for fantasy kickass. Then I smile to myself feeling better as I am on my way.

2. When I was a little kid I used to fantasize that my parents were killed in either a plane or car crash and then I would cry real tears. It was one of the only ways I could actually 'feel' so that I could cry. There was a lot of abuse going on in my home so I was on auto-pilot a lot of time just to survive.

3. I wanted children as early as 11 or 12 and couldn't wait to get married to have a baby. My biggest regret in life is that I thought that my desire to be a good Mother was in of itself enough but turned out that I was sadly unequipped and lacking in the great Mother gene. There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret mistakes I made as a Mother that hurt my children in any way.

4. Sometimes I wish I could just take off somewhere by myself without having to explain myself. Just to be completely on my own and do exactly as I please for a month. I would shave my head and live in a monastery somewhere.

5. I have a hard time realizing my age and especially my weight.

6. I looked my best in my late 30's early 40's. I was rockin.

7. I regret not spending more time with my grandmother when she had cancer. We had always been SO close but by then I was a 16/17 yr old self absorbed, immortal teenager who didn't realize what was happening. I miss her still to this day.

8. When I was pregnant with my first child I would secretly pray/wish/beg for the baby to be a girl even tho that had already been determined. And I wanted a girl for my 2nd and 3rd as well. I would have been perfectly happy with 3 or 4 little girls.

9. When I was little because I felt so 'different' I didn't think my relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) liked me so I stayed distant from them and never formed close relationships with them. I envy people who have strong family ties.

10. I regret dropping out of High School and going to college when I was young and didn't have kids yet. I think my life would have turned out way differently. I don't know if it would be better or worse but certainly different and I'm sure I would have done well.

Ok, phew, I did it. I'm not tagging anyone but I would love it if you are reading this and have not done it to try it - it's freeing.

Families, Politics and Religion

2009-07-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

I recently went on a day trip to Alcatraz with my daughter, son-in-law and grandkids; Jared and Leah. It was fun and there was the usual banter/teasing and laughing that is common in our family. It was a great day. Coming home I was driving and something came up that turned on the valve of 'politics' - well, knowing that my son-in-law and I are far apart on our beliefs I wasn't in a good place (driving the Bay Bridge at 4pm) to state my opinions, etc., so I said 'let's just drop it.' Not wanting to 'get into it' with him about my love for Obama and the liberal side of life. No problem, done deal. I did however realize that my grandson was most definitely wanting to get things going and it really gave me pause later. How do I want my grandchildren to view me as well as my ideals, thoughts and morals? How important really is it that I feel strongly about certain political ideals? The ironic thing of this is that I raised my daughter to be just exactly as her husband is. I was pretty much on the same page with him with my religious and political ideas. Although I think I may have been a tad bit more tolerant on certain things but never the less I was once a conservative, born-again Christian right wing. Now, I am opposite. I do understand where he comes from and why he feels he way he does. Even though I don't agree with him does not mean that I don't respect him or stand by his right to have his own opinions. It is certainly not worth my grandchildren seeing any kind of riff between their Dad and Gma. The truth is I think he is a fantastic Husband and Father. I couldn't be happier that my daughter married this wonderful guy. She is happy - the kids are happy, what more could a Mother possibly want for her child? That's it - I want my children to be happy PERIOD.

I would like to think that he and I really have the basics in common - loving, compassionate, honest and kindhearted. When I have needed help, he has been there and I have no doubt that he will always be if possible. And in turn I will help them out in ways that I can.

As for the grandchildren I know that it is none of my concern what their parents are teaching them and it would be wrong of me to contradict what they are taught in their home. I just hope that I can be a living example of my beliefs and ideals. Maybe the best lesson for them is to see that we can all have different ideas about how things should go but we can also all live together peacefully in our differences. Wouldn't that be an ideal world?

My Hero

2009-06-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

Follow up to my previous blog about life insurance. Hubby and I had a little chat tonight over a wonderful dinner out. Turns out he has 3 policies that will be enough for what I wanted. Ooops, sorry for doubting you honey. I am ditzy sometimes I know.
I love my husband. :)

In The Event of Death

2009-06-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

Sounds like a depressing subject, right? Yeah, I guess it could be, but the fact is everyone does die. I have been really thinking about the fact that I am not protected adequately if something happens to Dave. He is the breadwinner and makes a great living for us but with his income suddenly gone I'd be left with some SSI and a few other investments it would not come anywhere close to what we have now. I would be able to live independently but not in our home. More like a small apartment somewhere less expensive. I've been thinking that if I had the tragedy of losing my soulmate how could I cope with having to sell and leave my home right away too? It's just too much for me to think about. If I had the ability to wait one year before making major decisions I should be OK. So I contacted our Insurance Agent (we have every insurance except life) to find me a policy that will work to pay the house payment for one year. It's going to be expensive I'm sure because my hubby has this awful smoking habit *steaming*. But darn it - if he can spend all that money on cigarettes he should be able to make sure I'm not forced out of my home.

I was wondering if anyone has known anyone with this experience - where one spouse is completely dependent on the other spouse financially and there was a death. How do you deal with your future possibilities? Does this seem greedy to you? I don't know but I feel it is a way of taking care of myself so that my family won't be burdened. See, if I die first it won't impact Dave financially one bit. In fact I'm sure he'll come out ahead - LOL.

He has just been working like a dog this past year and I worry about his health but there isn't anything I can do to get him to change. But I can be prepared.

Hello, it's me...

2009-06-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

You know that song? Well, I thought it was a good lead in for someone that hasn't blogged in months. My daughter, Stephanie, has a kickass blog now and she has inspired me to start blogging again.

This is a feeble beginning to be sure but I am hoping it will get better. Today, Stephanie had a post titled 'A Letter To My Dad..' to her Dad that passed away 2 years and 6 months ago (gosh, has it really been that long)? Anyway it was coincidental that today I finally applied with the American Cancer Society as a volunteer - this was before I read her post. You see I have a Mother who suffers from the 'Me,Me,Me' syndrome and I am realizing that I can be like that too. I don't want to be like that. I long for connections and relationships with others. When Skip, Steph's Dad, was sick and the times that Stephanie really had to be at work I would step in and take him to radiation, Dr appts, errands, etc. The one thing that struck me so clearly was that this man was suffering and in the worst place in his life but still did not complain! He was so gracious and it was great for me to spend those last months around him. We talked and laughed a lot. I am so very happy that I was able to help him even in the little things. I couldn't be anything but grateful for my own life. Problems? What problems? Couldn't compare.

At the time I remember thinking that when Skip got better I wanted to volunteer to drive cancer patients to their appointments. Skip didn't get better and I was too raw from that to volunteer. Now is the time. I am ready. I will continue on with what we started. It's the least I can do. I have some strong opinions about cancer and doctors and how it's treated but I have a heart full of sympathy for people suffering from cancer and I hope to learn from and connect with some people that need a little helping hand and a little company. It really is the best way to get out of your own crap. When you think your life is shit there is always someone who has things worse than you. I encourage anyone with an extra hour or two per month to get out of yourself and find a volunteer position with something you are passionate about. We CAN make a difference. I love you Skip and I miss you.

Houses, Painting and Shopping - OH MY

2009-01-05T07:11:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it's not a dream. We closed on our new house Dec 24th (Merry Christmas to us) and since then we took a vacation to beautiful Lake Tahoe, had the inside of the house painted, ordered all the blinds, bought new furniture, washer/dryer & TV. Whew! After working so hard last year Dave was rewarded with a nice bonus which is what made all this shopping possible. He has been so good to me in understanding how easily stressed I get with this moving business so he's made it as easy as possible for me. We are having the house packed up a week from today then moving the following day. Then I'm having a cleaning service come in to do the apartment. I am truly blessed. At times I feel a little uncomfortable with all this - like I don't deserve it. Dave, however, does deserve it so then I put it to rest. Oh, what the hell, maybe I deserve it after all. It was a rough year for me last year.
On a funny note - before we had the house painted (we couldn't live with the stark white walls) Dave deferred to me to choose the paint. Well, I learned a HUGE lesson: don't choose paint without seeing it on the wall first! I chose 'sunlit sand' - beigey yellow. It was painted while we were on vacation so we finally got to see the house last Tues. Can you say YELLOW????? It turned out much brighter yellow then I expected but, I'm working with it cuz I think when we're done with furniture and decor it will look great. And it is not all yellow - we left a lot of the white too. The blinds are white and the couch is plum. I'm trying for a Tuscany-ish decor. I can't wait to get everything together and take pictures. For now here are some of our furniture. The dining room set sans the bench. The coffee table and the sofa (in plum). We have a few more pieces but no pictures yet.
Luckily we will be all set up with the new TV to watch the inauguration. Big time celebration!

Back To Blond

2008-12-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

Oh well, yes, I did try the dark hair for about 4-5 mos but I grew tired of it. It kept washing out and looking dingy so I went back to my old hairdresser in Ripon and she put me all back to normal. I love Gina cuz she just always knows what to do and what I like. So now I just have to drive an hour and a half to get my hair done every few months. That's perfectly fine though since my Mom, Dad, kids and grand kids all live in the area so I can visit too!

I really want to age with grace but it is so hard to see that I am not as young as I think I am. I am considering some botox or something and seriously considering a tummy tuck with a little breast lift to go with it. Ugh, what to do, what to do...

San Francisco Christmas

2008-12-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things to do is go to the City. In the summer I love going to Golden Gate Park, strolling along the bridge and whatever else catches our fancy. Union Square at Christmas time is a sight to see and I was fortunate enough to spend a few days with my very best friend this past week. Normally not much of a shopper, I went through Nordstroms, Macy's, and Victoria Secret looking and wishing that I was thinner. All the stores were decorated so beautifully giving me the much needed Christmas cheer. After all the shopping we went to the square and watched the ice skaters while we sipped on hot tea and waited for darkness to fall so we could really appreciate all the beautiful lights. We took a few pictures. Hope you enjoy them.

It's Been Awhile

2008-11-23T15:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in quite some time. We've been busy - we took a impromptu trip to Las Vegas for our Anniversary a few weeks ago. We had a great time and as always I wasn't ready to go home. I've taken a few tests for the County along with one panel interview. I made it through on one and I am on that list and am still waiting on the results for the other job. And for the big news - if all goes according to plan we will be in our brand new home in January!
I won't even go into all the details of how but we ended up with the deal of the year on this beautiful (well, to me) new home. We are in a community of town homes and single family homes (ours is a single family home). I am going to upload some vids I took today that show the house pretty well - although I am too lazy to edit them together and I started out recording on the 2nd floor instead of the 1st floor. There are 3 floors in the home. Hopefully it will make sense! We're pretty psyched about the whole thing.

Next week we'll be going over to my Mom's to take her and Dad out to dinner along with Christina and maybe Michael too. I hope everyone has a blessed and lovely Thanksgiving with your loved ones.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJimgzX6YRw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkqqByvIdVg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQvqyvzDb6I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXSQMNANxYg

VICTORY!! YES WE CAN!!

2008-11-05T05:30:00.000-08:00

I couldn't be happier. Finally we have a chance at peace and unity.

Help! Does this shoe go with this dress?

2008-10-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

I already bought this dress and it's on the way. Now I have to still decide on a shoe. I love these but I am not sure. Give me some ideas if you don't think it will go with the dress. This is for Dave's company Christmas party (which I HAVE to attend, yuck).

History in The Making or My Date with Barack Obama

2008-10-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

When Dave read that Obama would be in Reno on Saturday, I did not have to think twice about going to the rally. Hooray!! With much excitement we made our way to Nevada on Friday afternoon. There were no rooms available for us in Reno on Friday night so we made our first stop at Harvey's in Lake Tahoe. For those that know me well, you know I love my slot play, but since we've been diligent in our budgeting to purchase our first home I don't get much of a chance to play. So I was thrilled when Dave pulled out a big win within our first hour there.

Saturday morning we were up EARLY to pack it up and hit the road for the hour drive to Reno. The gates were scheduled to open at 7:30 a.m. with Obama appearing at 10 a.m. We had no idea that we were going to join a few thousand supporters already there by 7ish. We stood in the line and got the coveted 'colored sticker' to show that we had signed in and could indeed enter the stadium. Very exciting. We had nice, easy conversations with people in the line. Before we knew it there was a long line behind us. Everything was very organized and very well ran, although this gal really wanted some hot coffee - it was 39 degrees! We stood waiting for the hour and a half that we had left before the next president was to appear. It was a festive environment with music. The only time I have ever fought crowds to be a part of something was for my kids - once for a New Kids On The Block Concert and then for a Harry Potter cast event in Hollywood and I hated the experience but of course you do those things for your kid. This was so different - I felt like I would never have the opportunity to be a part of history and I was not disappointed. Barack Obama delivered. He was warm, relaxed, confident and definitely in charge. He spoke of all the things that I admire him for. I would stand for many more hours to have that opportunity. Dave and I were both emotional to be so near this man that represents all the things a leader embodies. There were no cheap shots made - I was proud to be an Obama supporter and proud to be an American. The only thing that would have made it better is if I had been able to shake his hand. Dave took lots of pictures and some video. I hope you enjoy them but I know it is just not the same if you're not there.

We have one week to go to elect our next President. Please vote and vote early if you can. We CAN make a difference.

A little obsessed...maybe?

2008-10-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

A typical weekday evening lately in the Weeks household goes something like this: Dave coming home from work, kisses wife, glances at the mail (damn, still no absentee ballot!), makes way to the couch, fires up his laptop (wife's is already fired up), then puts on news channel - this could be one of 4 or 5 channels but they are all news and specifically political. "Blue, blue, blue, oh look, another state just went to blue! Between following every poll known to the internet and watching all the news channels just to make sure we see the latest McCain or Palin-ism and of course to hear our view validated followed by some sprinkling of what Fox news has to say and then proclaiming Bill O to be one of the biggest idiots on TV. Oh, and let's not forget Jon Stewart's show so we can laugh our asses off, then before I know it, it is bedtime. The cycle begins again the following day at 5:30 pm until the weekend when it is sporadically done throughout the day.
We eat, sleep and breathe the election. I have had two dreams of Obama in recent days -one where I was running against him and then dropped out because I wanted him to win and ecstatic when he chose me to be his running mate! Dave also has had a dream or two about the election.

I think it's fantastic that so many people are so involved in the election but it does bother me that there are many people voting for one candidate based on fear. Fear should not have a place in determining how we shall live our lives - yes, to the extent of common sense such as not crossing a crowded freeway but not of irrational fear such as the fear instilled in us when we went into Iraq. That situation was portrayed to us as a defensive action - that we were going there to get Al Qaeda and stop the weapons of mass destruction that Saddam supposedly harbored and planned to use on the U.S. Now fears are raised because of the rhetoric that Obama is some kind of terrorist and 'not one of us'. For crap's sake people - use your brain!
Honestly I believe everyone has the right to vote for who they believe in but vote for the candidate that most closely follows your personal values and priorities please, not out of fear.
I am voting for Obama because I want less $ put into wars and intruding where we are not welcome and scattering our political agendas; I want health care so that everyone can afford to get the necessary health care for their families; I want alternative energy so that it is more efficient, cleaner and a commodity that we as a nation can export; I want affordable housing, top notch education, and a cleaner environment. If we took the money that is poured into Iraq and instead invest it in fuel alternatives, a new healthcare system it would keep the money here and create jobs and finally enough already of giving the rich tax breaks. The middle class needs an effing break already. 5% percent of the people control 95% of the wealth in this country. You tell me - does that seem fair?

So as you can see we are obsessed with this election. I joke with Dave that I'm not sure what we're going to talk about once the election is over. Hopefully Beauty and The Geek will be back on TV. Don't forget to VOTE!

Busy weekend = tired Linda

2008-10-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

I was up and running at 6:30 yesterday morning to go to my women's meeting and following that I went out to breakfast with a group of gals from AA. It was 'take your sponsor to brunch' day. Funny thing is, my sponsor paid for my breakfast! Hey, I like that. So I finally got home a little after 12:30 and had a massage appt at 1:45. Unfortunately I have been suffering quite a bit from my Rheumatoid arthritis - lots more involvement of my joints all over. It is very painful and has limited me from doing certain things without pain. I am seeing my Dr first thing in the morning but in the meantime Dave and I joined up over at the Easter Seals pool so that we could both use the indoor 92 degree pool plus they have therapeutic massages for only $36 per 1/2 hour or $56 per hour! The massage was nice. Then we went up to Redwood City and looked around the neighborhoods for homes. There are some really cute areas.

Soon after I applied for a job at Alameda County the job was pulled off the website. I am guessing it has something to do with California's new budget that was finally passed. There were some cuts to Public Services of course. So I was super surprised and happy when I opened my email on Friday morning and there was another job posting for San Mateo County for a Court clerk. It's a great job and I have enough background to do it so I'm going to go for it - even though my hands are killing me. There is an informational meeting for it tomorrow evening in Redwood City so today we went back up there so that I could see exactly where I am going tomorrow at 6pm (think traffic). It's pretty cool how the County buildings are set up and we saw the infamous courthouse where Scott Petersen was tried and convicted. Then we scooted back here to go shop for our kitties - $185 later we were happily heading to the movie theater to see Bill Maher's 'Religulous'. We've been looking forward to seeing it. It was good. Very informative and funny of course. Finally got home late this afternoon - set up the toys for the kitties and made dinner. I'm ready to go to bed! I must be getting old, huh?

We bought a kitty tower and scratcher for the 'kids' so that they don't continue scratching and climbing on other things as above picture illustrates. They also got a cool new kitty drinking fountain - which they already love. Eeegads - I've turned into 'one of those people.'

The Maltese Falcon swoops in to SF Bay (Spectacular Pics)

2008-09-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

The Maltese Falcon, one of the worlds largest privately owned yachts sailed into the SF bay this Saturday and we were there to see the show. Dave and I saw a news report about this ship coming in under the Golden Gate today and the masts are so high that it had to be timed for low tide. So we decided on a whim to check it out. (Yes, it IS nice to be free of kiddos to be able to pick up and go whenever and wherever we wish). So off we went at about 11ish today - beautiful, warm, clear day and we said how we were always so lucky when it came to visiting the city. As we're nearing the city we spot a huge fog bank and yes, it was right up against the GG bridge. Luckily the sun began shining halfway across the bridge and once on the other side we were greeted with lovely warm, clear weather and a 'boatload' of sail boats all over the bay. It was a spectacular sight. Dave took all the pics today for your viewing pleasure. Just click on the pictures to see a full view.
From Vista Point

The fog rolling in.

The Maltese Falcon (there were hundreds of boats)

Finally here is the video of the ship coming in under the Golden Gate.

Politics, Insanity, Happiness and Namaste to You!

2008-09-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

I realized that it had been awhile since I've posted anything. Life does have a way of just moving along whether we give it our permission or not. I can't believe it is a mere weeks away until the election and of course I am not even entertaining the possibility that McSame & Palin(aka pales in comparison) will be in the White House come January 2009. One thing for sure though - January 20, 2009 - an end of an ERROR.
**************************************************************************************
Insanity is running rampant in my home and I am honestly grateful for the opportunity to see how far I have come by seeing it in front of me. I am continuing to concentrate on changing me and being the best person that I can be today. Tomorrow evening I am starting a 9 week weekly class at the Spiritual Center titled 'Eight Steps for Spiritual Realization and Personal Empowerment' from the class description - The teachings offered in this course are drawn from the time tested ancient Vedic philosophy of Self- and God-realization. The practices are appropriate for people of all religious backgrounds who want to explore spiritual truth and discover for themselves a way of spiritually conscious living.
I am really looking forward to the series. The next step is to start Yoga classes at the Center next Monday. I recently came across this video

and it matches my newfound beliefs so closely and those of the Center that I want to share it with you. The words go kind of fast so you may want to watch it a few times. It is beautiful.

On another note -recently I received a notice from Alameda County for an available job opening that at some point I had put in an interest card. It is the same position that I had gotten down South and had to quit due to our move. Eligibility Specialist aka 'Welfare Lady'. I was so excited because Dave and I had recently decided on purchasing our home in Fremont or Newark in Alameda County. Currently we live in Santa Clara County. So of course I applied ASAP. I have done this drill before having had and quit two County jobs before I know that it is a long process but that's quite alright as I have time. In the meantime I will continue with indwelling in my Spiritual journey and working on my 50 yr old body so I'll be fit and ready to go to work. Yay! I need to work - I need to use my brain and mix with adults. If not that job then another one.

I have a trip planned next month for So Cal. I'm going to stay with a friend and play bunco with the old gang. I'm super excited about that. My 3 year wedding anniversary is in November and as of now we don't have concrete plans - only that Dave is taking a few days off. We'll go somewhere just not sure where. I've never been Hot Air Ballooning so I'm thinking maybe beautiful Napa Valley. I'll keep you posted.
I guess I've caught up now. Hope everyone has a wonderful Fall. Namaste my friends.

Saturday at the Beach

2008-09-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

It was the Kite Festival at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk - I've never seen anything like this before. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera so I took these with my cell phone. We went over to Santa Cruz to take the train from the beach to the redwoods and back . It was a fun day.

New SpringWidget

2008-09-12T06:52:00.001-07:00

Get this widget!

Visit the Widget Gallery

What I made for my sponsor's birthday

2008-09-11T16:31:00.001-07:00

I found this prayer online and loved it so I printed out one for me and one for my friend, Vicky. Then I went to Michael's and found a frame, special paper and some sunflowers. She loves Italy and I think Tuscany so I'm hoping she'll like the decor and the prayer. I have used this idea before for special occasions like a wedding with a special poem for the couple and their wedding date. It's a great personalized gift that is inexpensive.

My brand new car has a boo-boo

2008-09-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

There I was driving in a parking lot looking for a spot and then I felt a small bump - I wasn't even sure what it was - I thought I ran over something and then I looked in my rear view mirror and saw someone backing out. I stopped and got out and sure enough the BMW hit my right rear fender! I looked over at the driver and said 'dude, you hit my car' - turns out it was an older lady. Poor thing - she was so sorry and visibly upset. I ended up consoling her. 'It was an accident' I say, 'don't worry it will be fine, that's what insurance is for.' I was only a little upset because I was going to be late for my marriage counseling appt but that didn't matter anyway since Dave was running late. So we exchanged our info and then she asked me if I would be willing to not turn it in to my insurance if she pays for the damage! 'Well, I don't know, I'll have to speak to my husband' but I have to admit that took me aback a little bit. Maybe she has a record of doing this? I called my agent today and will get my car taken care of. The insurance companies can work it out. Funny thing - she never called me today like she said she would. Hmmmmm.

So now when they put on the new fender/bumper (because it's all one piece) I'll have them put on my new license plates too! Isn't that sad?

Wordle - cool

2008-09-10T07:39:00.001-07:00

Check it out.



And this one..

Happy Birthday Baby

2008-09-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my baby girl's 19th birthday. She worked until 4pm so we drove over to Stockton to meet up with Christina (birthday girl) her b/f Joe, Stephanie & her family and my parents for a birthday dinner at Outback. I brought a cake over and we surprised her with a GPS for her car. It was fun - not enough time to visit with everyone but hopefully we'll get together again soon. Michael, my son, couldn't make it because he was working. Both Christina and Michael now are living with their Dad and both have two jobs. I managed to get in a few pictures of the festivities.

Cutting the cake - Joe, moi, Christina and Leah.
Mother and birthday girl cutting the cake.

Granddaughter Leah and her Daddy, Jimmy.

Joe and Christina

Leah helping Aunt Tina open her cards and presents.

GPS for my lost girl - and half of Jared's head.

Son in law, Jimmy and daughter Stephanie.

Stephanie, my Dad and Mom

My afternoon at the beach (Capitola)

2008-09-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

So after a short 30 min drive I brought my chair, blanket, snacks, drinks and my book and this was my view.

Wouldn't it be nice to live in this house???
My company for the afternoon - they kept a respectful distance however.

Ahh, this is the life....

It was really great to enjoy the sun and the water. The only thing that would have been better if it wasn't quite so windy. I ended up leaving my zip up sweat shirt over my swim-suit. But it was OK - um, better than OK. I might go back tomorrow ;)

Walk For Hope to cure breast cancer

2008-09-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

Most people that know me well know that Pink for a Cure is a cause that is very dear to me. This year I have joined as a team lead for the 'Walk for Hope'
The event is on October 4th in one of my favorite cities - San Francisco. I would love, love, love it if you could all join me in the walk. I know that logistically it isn't possible for most of you that read this blog but you could register on my team as a virtual walker or even donate a few bucks to my team if you don't want to be a walker. I promise I'll be taking lots of pictures and you will all be with me in spirit. Let's wipe out this horrible disease in our lifetime so that our daughters and grand-daughters don't have to face this in their future. You can find my team page here
or under team 'Sisters For A Cure' - Linda Weeks. Thanks so much for any support! XO

San Francisco Labor Day Weekend 2008 (photo heavy)

2008-09-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

Once again we were so lucky with the beautiful weather in the City. We had a fabulous time. Hope you enjoy the pictures!

Today we went out to Crissy Field in the Presidio and took these shots. The globes are being featured to bring attention to global warming.

Shopping in Union Square

This was taken inside of the Westfield San Franciso Mall
These are of the Conservatory of Flowers - just stunning.

Butterfly -
Statue in Union Square
Conservatory of Flowers (Golden Gate Park)

This was taken from Vista Point (the other side of the Golden Gate bridge).

Bridge walking from Vista Point. I walked all the way until almost the second Tower.

The beach across from Golden Gate Park.

Our room.

The Hotel Villa Florence
where we stayed.

We had a wonderful time. We walked a lot all over the Golden Gate bridge and the the park on Sunday.

My date with MAC

2008-08-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

I turned 50 in May and really haven't felt the greatest about my appearance - especially since I have gained about 20 pounds in the last few months :( Well, I read something this morning about gratitude and I am a big fan of making gratitude lists, in fact I do it every morning. What I haven't done, however, is to be grateful for things I DON'T like. Yeah, sounds wacky huh? The preface is that if you're always negative about a certain thing - like where you live, the car you drive, the job, the spouse, etc; then you're going to be only focusing on negative and not opening up enough for positive changes to happen. It made perfect sense to me. So much so that as I soaked in a tub this morning I focused on being grateful for my body - for my body?!?!? Yes! Even though I have not loved it much lately I focused on the fact that this is the body that gets me around, birthed and nourished my beautiful children, love my family with, create with, give hugs and touches of encouragement to my friends and loved ones, and many, many other things. And how grateful I am for the fact that I am pretty healthy, can see, walk, hear, dance, etc. And then I just kept positive, grateful and loving thoughts towards my body.

Then I had an appointment at MAC to get my makeup done and buy some makeup. Here is the final result and the booty I brought home. I am feeling pretty darn good about myself today!

Blonde or Brunette?

2008-08-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

This was taken yesterday morning.
And this was taken a few years ago but the length is close.

3 Days Post MM

2008-08-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

Baaawaaaahaaaaaaa - it took awhile for me to actually close out my account at MM but I didn't actually go on the site. Now, I am officially gone from both MM and BBC. The first day I felt good. The second day I felt bored but ended up getting a bunch of crap done. Like hanging some pictures in the house (we've only been here 5 mos!) and catching up on all my laundry, went to the community center to purchase aerobics class card and two meetings! Yesterday I registered at the local community college so that I can get started on my Italian classes. I watched 'Under The Tuscan Sun' (one of my favs) the other night and now I really want to learn Italian. On Thurs I got my hair done - all dark now. I'll post a picture when I get one. After my meeting this morning I'm headed over to the mall to check out MAC cosmetics. I keep hearing how great they are but I've never used it so I'm going to splurge on some. With my new hair color I'm ready for a make-up change. Hopefully I'll look like a younger hot chick.

All in all this was a very good decision and I'm definitely happy about it. Especially since I can still correspond with the peeps I miss.

Bye, bye Momma's websites - hello Life!

2008-08-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I bit the bullet and quit my addiction. Yes, that's right I said addiction. I was addicted to MM (MayasMom) and then went over to BBC(BabyCenter).
I realized when a website takes up that much of my time and then to wake in the middle of the night thinking about something that happened with friends and the website it was time for me to back off and get back into the real world.

I do have to say that MM was many things for me when I needed it to be. During my moves and stressful times it was great to have some continuity with the people on there and of course I had a lot of laughs. The most important thing I got out of MM was the practice of speaking my mind. Before MM I had a very hard time saying how I really felt about things for fear of not being liked. I look back from when I first joined until now and can see the evolving and progress I have made. I'm proud of myself for that. I have met some amazing women - women who gave me tons of encouragement, love and laughter. I will hold them near and dear to my heart. And I hope to keep in touch with many of them. I know it's probably not going to happen because of how the world is - we're just such a mobile and busy society. I do feel however that there have been a few friendships that will last.

All the time I spent on the website I can now pour into my personal life such as exercise, meeting with friends, volunteering or maybe I'll get a job. Not sure but I am sure it's going to be better for me to participate in the real world around me. I have two sisters who live just a few miles away from me that I hardly ever see - I can start with nurturing those relationships. My husband is happy that I will be more 'present' in the evenings for him. All around I know it was a good decision. A healthy decision for me. My deep desire and beliefs are to be positive and see the positive in situations and how I can grow and learn from them - this is a time for growth and learning about Linda on an even deeper level.
There are many things I would love to do and now maybe this is the kick in the pants to do some of them. Learn a new language (French or Italian), take a cooking class, take kick-boxing, volunteer...This will still be my journal/blog and way to stay in connection with my friends who desire to stay in contact with me and also a way for me to record and see how I am growing.

I am not at all sure if BBC or MM have indeed canceled my account yet. I asked them to yesterday so we shall see. I will not be on the site so even it this feeds into my journal there I will not be there to view any comments. Hopefully they will close my account ASAP.
Now, onward and upward!

A Tribute to my Daughter

2008-08-16T22:04:00.001-07:00

A reprint of 'Tribute to my Daughter'

My daughter, Stephanie (Mom911), is truly one of my heroes. She started parenthood as a single Mom with a high school diploma. The year she was pregnant was one of the roughest years for our family. Her father had serious health problems culminating with open heart surgery at Stanford with Stephanie right by his side the whole way (7 mos pg) while I was in a 28 day rehab for Vicodin addiction. Steph refused to go on welfare and took jobs to do what she had to do all the while battling constant morning/noon/night sickness. Everywhere she went, she had to take a barf bag with her. When her Dad was in the hospital she had to wait her turn for a public bathroom to puke and then go back and comfort her Dad. My sister suffered breast cancer that year as well. There was a great deal of stress and sadness in our family and instead of us supporting Steph, she did the supporting. She was my biggest cheerleader while I was going through re-hab. She had no support from 'the father' of my grandson and held down my home and took care of her convalescing father in her last months of pregnancy. I'm sure she was scared and overwhelmed by the idea of becoming a single Mom but always had a positive outlook about the baby. After the worst year of her life on the very last day of the year she gave birth to her son ending the year on a high note.

After her son was born Stephanie took a pizza delivery job to support them, then went on to selling bottled water, cleaning offices at a secure site and from there she had an opportunity to learn security dispatch (mind you this was all working nights with an infant) which eventually led to the position that she has now as a 911 dispatcher. Those early years were so rough but she did what she had to do. Along with Jared, she now has a wonderful husband and a beautiful 3 yr old daughter. She commutes and works a long shift. When her father learned last summer that his cancer had returned Steph stepped up and insisted he move in with her so that she could take care of him. So with her family and work schedule she also managed everything regarding her father's medical care. They were very close and she was a devoted daughter. Sadly, her Dad lost his battle with cancer early this year and Stephanie once again has stepped up and done what had to be done. Her Dad felt completely safe and cared for by her. He was very lucky to have had her for a daughter and I know she felt priviledged to have been able to spend those last months with him.

My daughter is the woman I wished I could be. I admire her strength, tenacity, intelligence, humor, character, heart and especially her caring spirit. If I had to choose a person to share a foxhole with it would be her. She is hard as nails with a heart big enough for everyone - she is - my daughter....

A little sad, a little reflective..

2008-08-16T22:01:00.001-07:00

I know that this is the season for love & giving and all but it is also a time when we miss the ones that aren't here. I am sad today - I am missing someone. I was spending time with him last year at this time and I am remembering. I was in the grocery store today and there was a gentleman in front of me who reminded me of Skip (my daughter's Dad, my good friend) only Skip in 20 yrs. And it just felt like a stab in my heart. Right there in the store I teared up - dammit to hell anyway, why do I have to cry right in the damn store? I quickly got to my car and let it happen..I let the tears come. I honored my feelings of grief and allowed myself to miss him and remember him. I had really gotten better about not getting emotional when someone or something reminded me of him but I haven't gone a whole year yet and I suppose it's only natural to miss him during the holidays more accutely. I know Stephanie does, I know she hurts from missing her Dad. I especially was thinking about him last week when it was Stephanie's birthday - I think it was only natural that I would. And she was also missing him a great deal on that day.

I am wondering if he knows that we miss him so. I do have faith that he is in a much better place than I. Not in the religious way - I am not religious in the way that believes that only a fraction of humankind are gonna be 'in a better place' but that we are all connected and the connection transcends time and space. That is my personal belief - not a challenge to any one else's.
I just know that people in my life have touched me and taught me. There have been special people in my life that have left their heartprint on mine. It will never go away - it is there for me when I need it. Even now as I miss Skip so, I can remember something that we would laugh about and it makes me happy. I was so lucky to have had the relationship that I had with him. I am especially happy that Stephanie had that security and experience of having parents that loved her and that loved and respected each other even tho we couldn't stay married. He was one of kind - that's for sure and I was priviledged to have been his friend.

Friday Favorites (still from MM)

2008-08-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

There are just so many to choose from...This one is special because it was the last fun day I spent with Skip - he was in the final stages of lung cancer and we went up to Calavares Big trees with our daughter and the grand kids. Here we are with the grand kids on this huge tree stump. It was a grand day. I miss him....but I am so glad that we had that day.

Long Ass Photo Meme

2008-08-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

What is your name?"

2. What is your relationship status?"

3. What is your favorite color?"

4. Who is your celebrity crush?"

5. What band are you currently listening to?"

6. What is your favorite movie?"

7. What type of phone do you have?"

8. What do you want to be when you grow up?n

9. What do you love most in the world?"

10. One word to describe you?"

11. Where were you born?"

12. What do you hate?br>
13. What's better...blond or brunette?

14. What is your favorite show?"

15. What is your favorite pasttime?"

16. What did you have for breakfast this morning?"

17. What kind of car do you drive?"

18. If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?

19. What was your high school mascot?"

20. Favorite flavor of coffee?

21. Closest thing to you that is red?br

>
22. What do you wear to sleep in?"

23. What is the last book you read?

24. What is the closest thing to your right leg?"

25. What do you think of this survey?"

The Loss of a Loved One

2008-08-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

I took this from my daughter's blog that she wrote after losing her Dad to cancer last year.

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

-Henry Van Dyke

Thought for today (MM blog)

2008-08-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

"It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny." - Anthony Robbins

Flowers from MinneMom

2008-08-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

Last week I came home to find a box of flowers at my door and a very lovely, cheerful note from Kristin. It was so gosh darn sweet and really uplifted me. These days I can use all the uplifting I can get!

Thanks Kristin - you're the best!!

More carry over from MM(Depression and Anxiety)

2008-08-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

National Depression and Anxiety week. How ironic for me. I have been suffering from this affliction off and on all my life. I took myself off meds years ago thinking that I was 'cured'. But in high stress situations I just can't cope and recently the depression and anxiety came with a vengeance. I didn't recognize it at first. By the time I realized what was going on I wasn't doing too well. I had a major move and some family issues going on right smack in the middle of my 'crisis'. It's been tough. I wasn't sure I would be able to go on. I felt like there was absolutely nothing to be happy about which if anyone that knows me knows that isn't how I normally am. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. Didn't want to go out. I was either sleeping all day or couldn't sleep. I started coping by self medicating with prescription narcotics *warning: not the best recipe for depression! As a result I ended up even farther down in the hole. I didn't care about anything. I went to the Dr and was prescribed some meds - we made the move - still suffering and was getting worse. Finally I insisted on getting some structured help in addition to the meds. That was 3 weeks ago and I am thrilled to report that I am much, much better today. Life is worth living again. The sun is shining again. It is a One Day at a Time deal though. I have to be good to myself and remember each day that I am a good human being and worth taking care of. I look for the positive each day and mentally make a gratitude list. I am extremely thankful that I was able to get help. Depression and anxiety disorder is something that is in a person's genes - just like the color of my eyes. I had no control over having it but I can take care of myself and keep it under control. Please, if you have ever thought that people that suffer with any type of mental illness are a lost cause or not worth helping or even that they can 'help' it - it is no different than having diabetes. We can't help it and it is a disease. Show a little compassion, give a little smile and a word of encouragement. You never know what a difference you could make. Have a fabulous May. ~ XO

Mother's Day

2008-08-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

Just the other day I was walking through the parking lot of a local grocery store and it hit me so profoundly that all I had ever wanted when I was younger was to be a Mom. Then the gratitude flooded in - not only did I give birth to two beautiful, healthy kids but I was doubly blessed by adopting my youngest, beautiful healthy baby girl. I was lucky enough to have these children in my life and was able to stay home with them and be a big part of their lives. It WAS what I had dreamed of and so much more. It is a simple realization of gratitude to be the Mother of these 3 fine people (adults now) that just really took me aback. I am 50 today and when you hit that mark you start to wonder if you're where you 'should' be in life. Did I acccomplish what I wanted? Am I in shape? Have I been enough? What else do I want to accomplish in my life?

All I have to do is think back 30 years ago when all I ever wanted was to be a Mom and I am overwhelmingly grateful that I did fulfill my life's dreams - and their names are Stephanie, Michael and Christina and I will love them til the day I die.

Monday Gratitude ala MM

2008-08-16T21:21:00.001-07:00

So many things to be grateful for. Yesterday I spent the day with my oldest DD, her DH and my beautiful grandchildren. Stephanie's hubby went out and got us lunch and then Steph and I went to Maid of Honor. Very cute movie. The kids had cards and gifts for me. Beautiful journal and yummy smelling cherry candles with a cool holder from Candlelite. Then Steph and I sat outside and talked and had a cup of coffee - it was so nice. My wonderful SIL then made dinner for all of us and afterward we sat around and reminisced about old times. It was a fabulous day. I have to say the best gift of the day was the hugs and loves from the kiddos. It melts my heart. The only thing better than being a Mom is being a Grandma

It is sunny in my heart today and for that I am truly grateful.

Carried over from MM

2008-08-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

So one of things I have realized lately in my quest to recover from depression/anxiety was that the list that I had made after my divorce had been pretty much fulfilled and I hadn't bothered with another. It is good to have things to look forward to and goals to attain. I know it will give me a little extra something to work toward. The last list had things on it like - Riding on a Harley, Skydiving, Parasailing, Kayaking, Finding a lifelong partner, Getting a certain job, etc. I did all those things within a year. I haven't had anything dreams and goals specific to me in a long while and I found myself missing 'me'. The adventurous, tenacious, life loving woman was becoming a mere shadow of her husband (again). Not good, not good at all. No wonder I got depressed! So, here and now, I am going to start a new list. My good friends here will help encourage me - I know they will as well as friends around me and my fabulous daughter, Stephanie. So here goes.

1. A trip to Mazatlan

2. Learn a foreign language

3. Learn Tai Chi

4. Take a dance class

5. Get some vocational counseling and then work toward a job.

6. Trip to Canada

7. Study Eastern Religions

8. Take a cooking class

9. Join a community theater

This list could and probably will take up to 10 years to finish but at least now I have something to plan and think about. I'm taking a Tai Chi class this summer and probably the cooking class too. I like the number 9 because it's said to be spiritual.

I Love It When....

2008-08-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

1. When my hubby rubs my back when we go to bed at night even though he was the one who worked all day and has back problems.

2. When my daughter makes me a CD cuz she knows all the music that I like.

3. When I come downstairs and the coffee is already made.

4. When my grandkids tell me they love me.

5. When I win in Vegas.

6. When my KIDS tell me they love me.

7. When I get a surprise card in the mail.

The time has come...

2008-08-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

Many of you know my resistance to Christianity and some of you may know that I consider myself 'reformed' or 'evolved' from Christianity. What none of you know is the how and why I turned away from my church and Christianity in general. I became a born again Christian in April 1982. I was baptized in 1986 along with joining the choir of the local American Baptist church. My husband (now ex) came occasionally but I attended regularly along with taking my two children. I also went to an intense women's bible study called Bible Study Fellowship each week during the school year. At the time there were five parts to the whole series and you studied one part a year. Luckily for me we were on John the first year I started. It was wonderful. I learned a lot and I was happy. I had lots of friends. Then my husband and I bought our second house and moved 40 miles away closer to his work. I really didn't go to any church for awhile - I was working part time and trying to get acclimated. After a rough year in my marriage, a miscarriage and then a hysterectomy I decided that I wanted to foster a baby and this was when I was very much in touch with God, reading my bible and doing a lot of praying. We also started visiting some churches in town.
Finally I found what I felt was the perfect fit for us. It was our kind of church. It was hyped as the church for the average Joe and Jill. We started going in their very first month so everything was new as far as the people and general program. We met in a local Jr High school. I loved it - I loved how friendly people were, I loved how there were so many things for me to do, I loved how we would all grow together. I found a home and friends fast at this church. I was lucky enough to make a really good friend in one woman in particular - her name was Tammy and she had such a spirit of God around her - I honestly never in a million years felt that I could be as Godly. But we were fast friends. And our husbands became great friends too. We were in the 'IN' crowd at the church. We did a lot of the work and we socialized a lot with the core group. Tammy and her husband adopted two babies before I had gotten Christina so I really looked to her for guidance.

So fast forward a few years - the church was in the process of acquiring land and a building fund for our new wonderful church. I was heavily involved in the fund raising aspect of this and I was starting to have a few little twinges. I also was very involved with the women's group and bible studies - even leading one at my home and I was a part of a small group of prayer warriors with the pastor's wife. Mostly it was all good. Tammy and I were super close - we talked daily and had a lot of fun together. She and Pastor Bill were very close and she ended up doing some secretarial work for him at the church. Pastor Bill and her husband played golf together and were buddies. Everyone loved Pastor Bill - he was very charismatic. We loved our leader.

I started noticing that Bill would be at Tammy's house during the day but I really thought nothing of it because they were good friends and both very Godly. Eventually Tammy and her husband pursued their dream of buying land and a house out in the country. We would go out and visit and go swimming. Still having lots of fun. Later I started work as a Real Estate Agent and could no longer go to church on Sundays as I worked New Homes and worked weekends. Then we moved to a smaller town and left the church all together. I was starting to get sick with my RA and taking a lot of pain pills, my marriage was very stressed as my husband worked a lot of crazy hours and finally I ended up going on disability and really crashing and burning. We split up and I went to rehab. Thank god Tammy was there for me to take care of my kids. Soon after that she confided in me about how she and Pastor Bill had had a sexual relationship. She had recently told her husband and was now coming out and telling others. She needed to heal and this was the way. It lead to an investigation by the Host church - the American Baptist supported our church in a lot of ways. What happened from there was even more astonishing and painful. He denied it ever happened and she was basically scorned by many of the members of this church that we were all good friends with. I supported Tammy 100 percent - I knew enough to realize that she was a victim not a perpetrator. He took complete advantage of her - he counseled she and her husband on their marriage problems all the while telling Tammy that there was nothing sinful about their 'love' . Ugh, I tell you it was sickening. The investigation revealed that he had also been accused of this same thing several times and denied it and moved each time. This time he had a large following in the church although it did split the congregation. He continued to deny and left Tammy out to dry. I was the best friend I could possibly be. I defended her to our mutual friends - I would have walked through fire for her. She still maintained her faith and found a new church in which to heal.

After all that happened my ex and I did split up for good (nothing to do with the church) - he was seriously addicted to porn and I felt he was not going to change and I had to change in order to live so I was out. I was down, really down and I received a letter from my friend Tammy - in it she said she could not support me in my decision to divorce my husband and how it was a sin. She just could not condone it by supporting me or even really being my friend. I was devastated.

I know that this has nothing to do with my own personal relationship with a Higher Power but it was very difficult for me to separate that for awhile. In order for me to be happy, healthy and sober I had to have a relationship with a Higher Power. So I have been seeking for the past 9 years and I feel that I am in a really good place now. Through my seeking I have learned a great deal about who I am and what I believe. I didn't reject Christianity for myself based solely on the experience with my former church and pastor but in my search as well. So there you have it. I am so sorry this was so long but I felt things had to be said in order for the whole story to be told. I haven't spoken with Tammy in many years and I do think of her and wish her the best.

The rest of the week with Leah

2008-08-11T08:53:00.001-07:00

Craft time - one for Mommy and one for Gma Mary. I love the intensity..Swim time in the perfect pool for a 4 yr old. It is round and 3 1/2 feet deep.
At Great America we ran into the Fairly Oddparents and Leah got kisses.

And this is her last day with me - we went swimming.

I just LOVE the Center for Spiritual Enlightenment!

2008-08-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's service was exactly what I needed. I have had a particularly rough few days and just getting there and hearing the music and being able to just 'be'. The spiritual leader talked about grace and how we all have exactly what we want and need within us - we just have to step out of the delusion that we have to 'find' it 'out there.' The Divine is with us, through us and all around us. We need only receive it. No need to live in the past hurts - no need for resentment or un-forgiveness.
Can you tell I am filled with the spirit? Well, I am full of hope and happiness that is for sure. Next month the center is starting this class and I can hardly wait - Live the Eternal Way: A Guide to Spiritually Conscious Living

http://www.csecenter.org/Pub/cgi-bin/EventInfo.asp?I=&EventID=1159

Fun Times with Leah

2008-08-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, we went to Great America yesterday. It's nice to have season passes because then I don't feel bad when we only stay 2-3 hours and 2-3 hours is just right with a 4 yr old. I squeezed my big booty in the little pint sized roller coasters, splashed down the log ride, road on the Flintstone's carousal, fielded a million questions, doled out snacks, bought ice cream and cotton candy and then road in the sky tram back to the front. The little kids area is in the back of the park. I don't know why I didn't think of the sky tram when we got there. Oh well. Leah and I both were worn out as we dragged our butts back to the car. After the park we were on our way to the library to pick up some vids and books. I told Leah not to fall asleep yet- she did great until the last 2 minutes! Yep, had to wake her when we got there. But she was a trooper and we quickly found 3 dvd's and 5 books and then jammed home. I had absolutely no energy to cook so my wonderful husband stopped on the way home and got us Taco Bell - he's the best. After dinner and bath we started on our craft. Finally I couldn't answer another question or glue another jewel we went to the bed and I read her two books. I said I was going to watch TV and she looked at me with big sad eyes - 'I'm not tired' she says. She doesn't want me to go or she wants to go with me. I offered to rub her back. It took two minutes and then she was out - for 12 hours! No, she wasn't tired at all!

This is the only still pic I took - the rest were short little vids for Stephanie. They're on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/my_videos

Leah with 'Tude'

2008-08-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

Leah is here with me. I picked her up today. I wanted to send a video love letter to Stephanie cuz I know how much she's missing her family. She has been up North helping out the fire camp for the wildfires here in Cali. She's dispatching 12+ hours a day and has been there since July 27 and will be home on August 11. The same day that Jared goes back to school. She's several hundred miles away so no visits. Anyway I thought she'd enjoy a vid of Leah. Earlier I imitated Tinkerbell and she picked it right up. I love this vid and I'm pretty sure Steph will too!

Quirky Meme

2008-08-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

Lisa aka Twisted Noodles tagged me for this meme.

The Rules
* Link to the person who tagged you.
* Mention the rules.
* Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about yourself.
* Tag six other bloggers by linking to them.
* Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment to let them know that they’ve been tagged.

1. I have to put cold water in my hot coffee. Can't drink it too hot and I like to drink it fast.
2. I can't stand having someone's feet on me.
3. I have my best inspirations in the shower.
4. I've never had a ticket.
5. I am 5 feet tall.
6. I've never been farther East than Phoenix Ariz.

I tag -

Mom of Twins
Kate
Jersey Mom
JakeMelina
Mom911
Country Gal

(I didn't know anymore 'bloggers' here that haven't been tagged so tagging MM) And sorry Lisa I couldn't figure out how to link to you.

Bye, bye Acura - Hellllloooo Camry!

2008-08-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

So, Dave and I did our research on selling the Acura and what we would have to come up with in cash. I still have a payment on the Corolla that I would be driving and it is 5 yrs old. We realized after looking into it that we probably had a snowballs chance in hell of selling the Acura so we figured we might as well trade it in and sell the Corolla. So, now I have a 2009 Toyota Camry. It's a pretty silver color. Our payments are more than half what they were on the Acura and we know Corolla's are selling quickly so we are selling it ourselves. It actually worked out better for us this way. Yes, we had to come up with $ down but we would have anyway. The new Camry makes getting rid of the Acura a little easier. Now we'll be all set to buy a home next Spring which is what we had hoped. Dave gets a bonus at the end of the year so we're keeping our fingers crossed for that. Jeeze, a lot changes in 24 hours!

Buying and Selling

2008-08-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

At this stage of my life I really didn't think that Dave and I would be purchasing a home. After all we both have been there, done that in our pasts, we don't have kids at home and we're really rather a couple of free spirits aka vagabonds. But, with the economy, Dave's position (it seems he is set on staying here) and his back problems we've really been exploring the option of buying a home. Well, if you know anything about the Bay Area you know it's crazy real estate prices. We have just been looking at older, small condo's and they run from 300k-500k in a decent area plus add another 300-600 a month for HOA dues. Holy cow! But we decided to take the plunge and are getting ourselves into the position to buy next Spring. It's not the payments that are so high (although they are) it's the down payment! Really how many people keep 75k-100k laying around to put down on a house???? So, we decided to bite the bullet and sell my (not his) new Acura. The one we bought back in November - the one I love to drive - the one that with ins/car payment is costing us close to $1,000 a month! Yeah, that one. I'm the one who suggested it - I don't think Dave would have dared and I really don't mind since we're getting a home and I already have another car (2003 Toyota with great gas mileage).

I had told Dave when we first got married to please never have me live in a 'mobile home' - well, I've changed my tune. The manufactured homes now days are fabulous and there are some really nice parks here. And the big plus is that it will be much easier to get into one and I won't have to deal with having someone living on top or below me in a condo. This is the car we're saying bye-bye to and this link to a home of the several we're looking at. http://www.silvercrest.com/w69.htm We're getting kind of excited about it. We will have it paid off by the time Dave retires and then just have the park rent. That'll be nice cuz then we'll be able to travel.

We'll be taking a pretty big hit on the car but we'll recoup it in about 4 mos - that is if it sells. I'll keep you posted.

And another thing....

2008-07-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

I forgot the little diddy of getting 'maimed' by my lovable, huggable, kitty, Dani.
I don't know how I could forget such a joyful experience of being woke out of my slumber via cat landing on my face - cat realizing where it landed and promptly launching off said face getting good traction with back paw. *See picture (2 days post maiming.) Oh, I just hate this 'hold the camera arms length of bad angle and shoot!'

Also I wanted to give you a look see at how I've been wearing my hair lately. I swear I never thought the day would come when I would prefer darker hair over my California blond - I mean, I totally identified with my blond hair and blue eyes. That was me in a nutshell. No more. I love the darker color and I've let it grow since November. I like it this way. We'll see how long this lasts since I tend to change up my hair at least a few times a year. But I think I am going to get the extensions dyed to match my hair so I can wear them this Fall & Winter.

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Today I went to Michael's Crafts and got some stuff for Leah and I to do. I will take and post pics of our adventure. I only spent $20! So of course I had to go check out Old Navy while I was at the mall and bought a few things - pair of capris, pair of shorts and 3 shirts - for $66!!! Woooo hoooo!!!!! I love Old Navy even if I did have to buy a bigger size :( I can however end on an up note - I've started to lose all that weight I gained. 2lbs so far - not much but at least I stopped gaining!!!

Days and Weeks

2008-07-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile since I blogged. Not a whole heck of a lot going on. Last week my youngest daughter, Christina, was kind enough to drive her nephew (my grandson, Jared) from Escalon to San Jose and spend a few days with me. I was excited to have them here - but my excitement was soon tempered by my daughter's awful mood swings. OH MY GOD! I was tempted to send her home and keep Jared by him self. And then they bickered - ugh, why was I surprised? Why did I think that my now adult daughter would be so beyond bickering with a 10 yr old? In spite of her temperament we did manage to have some fun but it was way too much fun for me apparently because after spending all day at GREAT AMERICA with two teenage girls (my niece came also) and a 10 yr old boy in the very hot sun I was completely thrashed. Our plan was to go to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk the next day and I knew there was NO WAY I could do that. So after my very long Dr appointment we went to the movies. Luckily Christina was kind enough to take Jared down to the pool that evening to wear him out some more. I was ready to have them go home but after they left I missed them! Weird.

My kitties, Dash and Dani, have the strangest habit of finding things and then taking them. Things like shoes, dirty socks, clothes out of the hamper, stuff out of my purse and Dash has a real love affair with a Santa Hat he found in the spare room. I am not even sure how he got it - but he drags that sucker around the house. It is bigger than he is! I caught him with it in my bedroom one morning and then he jumped up on the bed with it -- mind you it is a lot bigger than he is and my bed is higher up than most beds. It took him a few tries only making it halfway before he half-fell half clawed his way down the bedding. Niiiiice. So I got a shot of his success! I simply must find a way of getting a shot and having it for Christmas cards this year.

The other pic is at Great America with the kiddos - starting from the back is Jared, then Christina and then my niece, Ashley.
I'm resting up this week because next week I'm getting Leah, my 4 yr old grand-daughter, and I can hardly wait. She's never spent the night with me alone before. I have some fun things planned for us. I'm glad it's only going to be her. I can concentrate all my energies into bonding and spoiling. YAY!

Another First for the Weeks

2008-07-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

So, we've been visiting some of the Unitarian Churches in the area. It's summertime and nobody seems to be doing their normal gig but we've enjoyed going. My new sponsor, Vicky, turned me on to the Center For Spiritual Enlightenment. I was super excited about going because they focus a lot on the Eastern religions and philosophies. They teach Yoga, meditation, practicing mindfulness all the things that I'm really interested in. So I asked Dave if he would be willing to go check it out and he said 'sure'. Well, we both loved it. The grounds are beautiful and they have several buildings that are old and gorgeous. The have the sanctuary of course, Education center where they teach meditation and yoga, a bookstore, a labyrinth, and many other cool things. Here is the description off their website:

The ministry of the Center for Spiritual Enlightenment is focused on the essential truth and harmony found in the world's religions, the necessity for a global ethical and spiritual awakening to bring about world peace, and the importance of individual participation toward this goal. Our vision is individual and planetary awakening to the One Truth known by many names.

The Center is an oasis of peace in the community, the world, and in the hearts of individuals. It is through that peace that one may live an awakened life. The awakened life is our opportunity to live authentically and in harmony with divine plan and purpose. Through awakening, we experience true fulfillment and the soul's natural joy.

You can experience the spiritual teachings of the Center through many different avenues. The Center offers worship services, adult education classes in spiritual philosophy and practice, healthy living, hatha yoga, retreats, leadership training, spiritual direction and counseling, children's education, and a thriving spiritual community.

At CSE you will find the Temple of the Eternal Way (our sanctuary of worship), meditation gardens, adult education classrooms, a children's spiritual education center, the CSE Interfaith Seminary, rooms for hatha yoga practice, a meditation chapel, the Tree of Life Bookshop, and our administrative offices.

I was enthralled with the service - we had a time for prayer and meditation which I just loved. And the message was about waiting on answers and how everything is empty until we decide what it means to us. I was doubly excited to find out the love of my life loved it too. We will definitely be going back there! Thanks Vicky!

I can do this, I can do this...

2008-07-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

Of course I gained even more weight on vacation but I told myself not to worry about it then. So here I am heavier than I've ever been :( I finally got it in gear and worked out yesterday in my little gym here at the apartments. That damn eliptical kicked my ass and then I did weight machines for my back, shoulders and arms. I am SO SORE today but I still went out and briskly walked the two mile loop at Campbell Park. This was the first time I've gone there and I really liked it even though I went later than I should have so it was a bit warm. I'm being really good with my eating too! Yay! I figure if I cut out the massive amounts of sugar and carbs that I have been consuming at continuing with the exercise I should lose all this weight by December.

Thanks to Noodle for inspiring me! The picture is the path. You cross the creek and walk one mile out and then cross back over the creek and come back on the other side. Very pretty.

10 Memorable Vacation Moments

2008-07-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a home grown Cali girl and haven't been out of Cali much so mine is definitely tame comparatively. Here goes - not in any particular order.

1. Floating ALL day in a two man raft on Pinecrest Lake knocking back brewski's with my first husband. No trudging to outhouses! That was 27 years ago and I still think back on it fondly.

2. Taking a convertible by myself around Maui and going on a snorkeling trip by myself.

3. Flying off to Vegas by myself for 4 days. I wanted to see Mama Mia and walked up to the box office to order a tix for the next day - turns out they had a seat available 2nd row middle. Yahoo - it was fun. Then at the end of my trip waiting for my shuttle I won $500. Niiiiiice.

4. Spending a couple of crazy ass days up in Susanville with my best friend, Terri. We had a pool to lounge around in, tons of alcohol and laughed our asses off.

5. Taking my first two kids to Lake Tahoe for the first time. I fell so deeply in love with it and had a fantastic time with my kids which set the stage for many more summer vacations in Tahoe.

6. Taking Christina on her first trip to Tahoe and watching her eat a vanilla ice cream cone sitting outside at 10 months old. And then sitting on the beach playing in the water half naked. She was soooo cute.

7. When Dave and I got married in Vegas. It was a whirlwind romance and we ran off and got married by ourselves. He planned a romantic helicopter ride over the strip at night, dinner at the Eiffel Tower Restaurant, rented a BMW Z4 and trip to Hoover Dam. We had to stand in line for a long time to get the license - it was Veterans Day and there was a parade downtown. By the time we got our license and realized that we couldn't drive to the chapel I was pooped and my feet were killing me. We walked a few more blocks (it was hot) and we walked in the chapel and I said 'do you have someone who can marry us right now'?! LOL - I have no idea what the woman thought but they accommodated us and we were married by Jean Claude (masculine). It was great. I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel and get out of my hot clothes and high heels! During our romantic dinner poor Dave started feeling nauseous and ended up with a doozy of a flu!! So that's how we started out our marriage. That Sunday we went to the airport early and waiting for our plane with poor Dave so, so sick. Apparently we missed the announcement that our gate was changed and we ended up missing our flight home! What an adventure.

8. Last week in Tahoe playing a game with the grand kids and kids. We did what we always do - LAUGHED our asses off! The highlight was boating into Emerald Bay and hanging out there.

9. The last vacation that I spent with my grandmother. We were very, very close and we hit Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, and Busch Gardens. I have fond memories of that trip with my mother, father and grandparents. I was 16.

10. It's a toss up between another trip to Tahoe and/or Vegas. One year in Tahoe we went up to Squaw Valley with the kids and paid for an all day pass to spend up at the pools and ski lift. The pool was huge and heated and of course the view was to die for. We had a fab time.
And then there was last summer when Dave and I went to Vegas (alot) and we just had a great time going all over sight-seeing and getting room service, massages, and gambling.

Hmmmm, looks like my vacations have a theme - either booze or gambling is involved...Hee hee

Video

2008-07-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

Christina and I were sitting on the swim platform relaxing when my son-in-law thought it would be funny to 'scare' us by swimming under the boat and grabbing our legs. Of course everyone was hip to what was going on and Steph took this video. A grand laugh at our expense. We didn't react as they expected though - heh heh.

I hope this works.

2008-07-12T21:17:00.001-07:00

Photo journal (more of Tahoe)

2008-07-12T19:39:00.001-07:00

This is the graveyard in Virginia City.
My lovies - Leah, Steph and Jared
Dave , me and Christina

Having fun at the beach - Leah and Jared

Boat fun - going out of Emerald Bay

Family Vacations

2008-07-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

It was a wonderful week and I did not want to come home! Dave and I left a day early (last Sat) and went to Reno for a few days before meeting up with the kids on Monday in Lake Tahoe. It was really HOT last weekend and there was a lot of smoke from all the fires here in Cali. We basically just gambled while we were in Reno with the exception of a little trip to Virginia City to check out the old cemetery there. That was interesting. The first day in Reno I sat down at the Wheel of Fortune and played for just a minute before hitting $400 - that was cool! I was really pretty darn lucky but unfortunately Dave was not lucky in Reno. We were glad to leave Reno and head off to Lake Tahoe. Tahoe is one of my favorite places on Earth. We had lots of fun gambling and then meeting up with Stephanie, Jimmy & their kids and my youngest daughter, Christina.

Tuesday we met up and took their boat out on the lake and went to my favorite place there - Emerald Bay. I snapped some pics there and took a video (Dave is the guy at the end of the vid). Pictures just don't do the place justice though. It is gorgeous there. The water is so clear you can see several feet down to the bottom and it reflects the beautiful blue sky and green trees that surround the bay. Right in the middle of it is a little island called the Teahouse. One of the pictures is of the tea house. That was the only day we went out on the boat and it was also the only day that we had a fairly clear (of the smoke) day so it was the best day to go. I had a blast. That night we took Steph and Jimmy to a comedy show at the Improv and laughed and laughed. Afterwards we hung out and gambled. The picture of Steph and Jimmy is of that night.

Dave went home early Weds and I moved over to the house with Steph, Christina, Jared and Leah. Jimmy went home that afternoon. We stayed up way late playing a game and laughing our asses off. It really was the best time. I got to do exactly what I love to do and I laughed all week long. I want to go back....I miss the kids....I can't wait for the next vacation.

Enough already - updates

2008-07-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

My beautiful friend, Chrissi, gave me the great idea to do an update ala bullet style. Thanks Chrissi!

*Tonight I am winding down from an intense week of 'self examination'. First by my 5 defining moments blog and then I completed a 4th step inventory & 5th step. For those that do not know what a 4th step inventory is - it's a 'fearless and moral inventory of ourselves' IE; exposing your every last character defect, flaw, mistakes and then dissecting them to see where you can improve and grow. You make a list of your defects. So for every person that I had any anger towards or resentments I had the happy task of putting down on paper what my part in it was. Fun. Oh, and then the 5th step is where I get to tell someone all my defects and faults that I have tried to hide from the world - more fun. But it is worth it. Above all I want to be sober, happy and content so if I have to be uncomfortable and humble myself or even dig latrines hey, I'll do it.

*Dave and I have been having some really good conversations these days. I've noticed that since I've been working on my stuff my self esteem has risen and I'm not near as afraid to speak my truth which in reality is a very respectful and loving thing to do for myself and my partner. In turn he has spoken a few of his truths too. This makes me happy. This makes us happy.

*Sunday we are leaving for Lake Tahoe (one of my favorite places on Earth) for a week with my 3 kids, son in law and my two grand kids. I am so looking forward to it. Dave and I are going up one day early so we'll have some good alone time in which to reconnect after his crazy work schedule. I am really looking forward to just the kicking back and laughter that always goes on when I'm with my kids. They are a funny group! We've been doing this Lake Tahoe gig since 1989 missing only a few years and we have always had fun.

*So enough of the heavy stuff I've been doing and on to the fun stuff. Hugs and kisses from the grand kiddos, fun on the lake, a little slot action (of course), and reconnecting with the people who mean the most in the world to me - what could be better than that?
Happy 4th to all my friends - stay safe.

Five Things

2008-06-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

When I first saw this blog title on my friends' blog I thought to myself 'I'm 50 for God's sakes I can't think of just 5 things from my life'. Five incidences or experiences that have defined my life? There is no way I could do it. Then after mulling it over I realized that I could do it by decade. Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket! So I will give it a whirl. I write off the cuff so I have no idea what will come out here. Deep breath -

1. 0-10 defining moment. I was a Daddy's girl and when Daddy went to Alaska in 1963 I was 5 and my heart was broken. He was gone around a year with one or two visits home during that time. I used to pray every night for my Daddy to come home and a pony. I remember when he surprised me for a Christmas visit, I was sooooo happy. When he did come home I was 6 years old and I was happy to have my Daddy home. Sometime in that first few days my Mom, brother and sister were gone and it was just me and Daddy. Daddy took me to my room and he hurt me. You can come to your own conclusions but this was the defining moment of my life. I did not understand what had happened yet I knew to be ashamed. I didn't tell anyone. This special relationship went on for 5 more years and later when I was in therapy I had flashbacks and realized that it had happened when I was even younger. It's a sad thing to say that my earliest years when I should have been happy and only worrying about who was coming to my birthday parties I spent afraid, ashamed, confused and lonely. Lonely because I absolutely knew that no one else had my dirty secret.

2. 10-20 - Now this was when I found relief. I found it at 10 in a tumbler full of homemade Portuguese wine that my best friend's Dad made. I gulped it down and I had some moments of numbness. Sweet, evasive numbness. No fear, no shame just numb. This started me on a decade of drugs and alcohol that as I look back I am convinced it saved my life. I didn't have anywhere to turn that I trusted so this served as my escape to somewhere else other than the hell I was in. I still functioned very well thank you. And I had the boys - yes, the other drug of choice. Sex = love, right? I chased it looking for a little love, looking for approval and the validation that I was OK. I was lucky that nothing too bad ever happened. Bad enough but not life lasting. Thanks Dad.

3. 20-30 - My life's dream was to have a baby. I dreamt of my first child from the time I was 12 years old. I wanted only to be a Mommy. As I look back I realize it was the selfish wanting of a baby to fulfill my own needs and not to give love unconditionally but when I first held my baby girl I knew that I was OK that nothing and no one could steal away this joy I had in my heart and my arms. She was everything to me and she taught me all about selfless love. My goal in life was to be the Mother that I didn't have. To never, ever allow anything bad to happen to this child. Unfortunately no matter how much I wished it it just wouldn't be. She was hurt, life wasn't always fair. I failed in my quest to be the perfect Mommy. Only later in life did I realize that there is no such thing as a perfect Mom. I did the best I could do and if loving her was a testament as to a good Mom then I believe she had the best.

4. Is still in the above decade. I went through many life changing events in this decade. The second was during a major crisis in my life and through people in my life that loved me I was led to the Lord and gave my life to Jesus. I am putting this in here even though I no longer consider myself a Christian but this pivotal event in my life gave me so much and it gave my children a decent home to be raised in because I didn't know how to believe in anything so I followed my Christian friends. I no longer drank which was a biggie and for the first time in my life I felt that I could be loved. From this beginning I was able to continue on my path of Spiritual experiences and find the peace that I now have.

5. 40-50 - Addiction/Recovery. Due to 2 auto accidents followed by a diagnoses of rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia I ended up addicted to Vicodin. It became the love of my life and the death of my life. Then full circle to learning how to live my life fully and joyfully in recovery. I don't always do this thing perfectly and in fact have fallen a few times in the last 10 years but I keep getting back up and striving for the fullest truth and the joy of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment in time. This past ten years I have and am learning how to love myself, who I am, how to love others, how to speak my mind and I could go on and on. Basically because of my addiction I ended up in AA and discovering the Higher Power - God of my understanding that I have searched for my whole life. The worst possible thing could happen to me and I absolutely know in my heart that as long as I look to the Divine/the light of the Universe that I will be OK. I have learned and I am still learning how to live this thing called life on life's terms. I am a work in progress. It is progress not perfection.

My 'babies' or Cats Rule

2008-06-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I was ready to send these two back to the shelter. They were anti social, pooped all the time and just made my life harder with no payoff. I am happy to report that is just a dim memory now. Dash and Dani are darling, they are not pooping every 20 mins, have become quite sociable and give us countless hours of entertainment. At 5 am this morning I might have been a tad bit irritated as they played leap frog on my lifeless sleeping body - but I recovered quickly to join the morning with them. It is so funny how they'll find little nuggets that intrigue them and bring them out to play. So far they've found a sock that my grandson left behind, my flip flops, well just shoes period, business cards and keys out of my purse, a mousy toy that they had the first week here (went missing), and some other unidentifiable nick knacks. My little affectionate name for the pair is monkeys. They remind me of them in the way they relate, play and their intelligence.

Dani (the girl) is the most affectionate - the fear I had of them never cuddling up with me has now been replaced by the fear that she'll never get out of my butt. We are thrilled that we have them. They are bringing so much joy to us and life will definitely not get boring with these two hanging around.

Where did this come from???

2008-06-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

That extra 10 pounds that has attached itself to me!! Damn, if it's not one thing it's another. My sponsor and therapist are telling me 'oh don't worry about it you have so many things going'. Well, I am flippin worried about it! My clothes don't fit anymore, I have these gross rolls. The bitch of it is I am constantly hungry - like stomach hurts hungry. I'm not eating out of nervousness or craving but HUNGER. Maybe it's the new medication. Here it is summertime and I am not shorts and tank top worthy let alone a freakin bathing suit! Crap. I guess I'll buy a moo-moo before our trip to Tahoe. I'm depressed....and HUNGRY!

You mean it's not all about ME??

2008-06-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

I have been married to my wonderful husband for a little over 2 1/2 years. I was married twice before - first time when I was a baby of 18 and the marriage only lasted a few years and the second marriage lasted nearly 18 years. So I thought I was 'experienced' and wise to the pitfalls. Wrong. What I have found out is that wherever I go there I am along with all of my character defects mostly my self-centeredness . I have been navigating my way through yet another life change and self realization. Brought to me by the craziness of addiction and depression. It is a blessing to be able to get out of a deep, dark hole and really look at myself for who I am and have the courage to change. It's painful at times but it's a beautiful thing to become more like your ideal self, more like the Divine. I had a spiritual awakening yesterday as I was contemplating my marital woes and it astounded me that I had not been true to the marriage agreement. The marriage agreement to me is about being a fulfilled, independent human being and then joining with someone who makes life more fun - brings added dimensions to your life. Yin Yang so to speak and the responsibility and honor we have as partners is to want the best for our partner. It is to be as vested in their personal, spiritual and emotional growth as we are in our own. It is to encourage and support our partner in their own quest for completeness even if it means not being with you. This is what unconditional love looks like to me.

I have not been anywhere near that with my partner. I have been critical, self-seeking and punishing (especially when his needs conflict with mine). This is a huge chunk of truth for me to swallow but if I do not realize and accept my lack of support I will never change. My marriage will die of neglect. As the fog lifts and the sun shines into my soul I am beginning to get a glimpse of what my path or quest is - it is to be fully present, to love, to leave this world a better place than how I came and to support the Universe in a unity of peace, love and joy. I can start by practicing with the one I agreed to spend my life with - the one I love.

A whole new world

2008-06-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

This is my very first experience with blogging. I am starting this to spread my wings a bit and maybe meet some like minded people out here in Cyberworld - oh, and to stalk my girly girlfriends that left MM. I'm counting on you gals to help me through this maze of blogness that I am completely a virgin in. I've missed the deep discussions we used to have - um, could ya pass the dips and chips please...and there goes Kristin with the margarita machine again.

These women have seen me through such a dark time in my life and encouraged me each step of the way. I think of them as daughters or sisters in any case I love them. I'm excited to read their blogs and to see each of them blossom. Kristin, Chrissi, Cristina, Alicia, Manda, Jess, Jae, Cat and Sara - they've touched me (no Jae, not like that).

MM became a place where the far right and uber religious would spew so much judgment on people that god forbid didn't agree to their ramblings that it was far from the love that I was seeking. It seemed that the field had narrowed of like minded women to share with. Many times in past few months I sit at my laptop and shake my head - WTF did she just say??? Holy Cow!! Sooooo, anyway, that's why I'm here now. I think I'll enjoy this.